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Today's Big Stuff 5.6.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
Happy Friday. There are 187 days until the midterm elections. History at the White House, Susan Collins is pro-choice like we’re anti-cussing and woah that’s a big jobs report. 
Be advised: We use the eff word a lot, and it’s like the only thing we don’t misspell. 
Note: Well goddamn, Sexy Patriots. This fucked up year of a week has finally come to an end, and we can’t wait to spend 48 hours standing in the street sceaming dirty words at the sky. Let’s start off today with a little treat. They rebooted Dorf on Golf…

Brennan Murphy
Rudy Giuliani has since deleted this video promoting his cameo
LOL. It’d be way funnier if we didn’t stop laughing halfway through and ask why that creepy cousin-fucker isn’t in jail. And then we started going down a really negative road where we wondered why Democrats are talking about funding the police and cutting the deficit instead of Roe. And then we started yelling “FUCK” at the wall and the wall was like yo I didn’t do anything wrong, bro, and we were like yeah sorry, wall. It was at this point we thought about the amazing Liz Warren. Liz was so mad this week she was shaking. And we felt it. Or watching Sen. Gillibrand from this week…
Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand: ‘I would like to speak to America’s men for one minute. Imagine you do not have authority over your own body for 10 months. Imagine if that decision making would not be taken away even if you would die in childbirth’
Let’s think about Mallory McMorrow, who said if she goes down, she’s going down swinging. Fucking-a right. We have no doubt seen some disappointing shit from our elected leaders in a week when they should’ve been ready to go to war. But there are fighters. And they are fighting. And so are you.
We got an email from a dear and longtime reader this week that worried a lot of young women who don’t know about the time before Roe will lose heart. She said it’s a fight we’ve won before and we can win again, and she repeated that call to “not lose heart.” 
So as your cussing at the sky and the wall this weekend, please take those words in deep — do not lose heart. Because if you do, you’ll turn into that golfing troll from the beginning of the note. LOL. That dude is so fucking creepy. More: NY Mag
Note two: Was this week the most TBS has ever been serious in opening notes? We had a reader tell us it must be tough to be an upbeat newsletter these days. You ain’t kidding, buddy. Fortunately for us, we’re not so much upbeat as we are fuck-those-assholes. 
Note three: Greg Abbott is so emboldened by Roe, he wants to take away the right to go to school for poor kids. More: Houston Chronicle
Note four: Oh look, here’s NBC’s Peter Alexander doing Republicans’ work for them. You might remember Peter as the person who was seen last weekend hugging Hogan Gidley. Or maybe you remember him as the correspondent who wrote a thank you speech for President Biden to deliver to Trump. So yeah, fuck Peter Alexander.
The Recount
NBC’s Peter Alexander goes back-and-forth with Press Sec. Jen Psaki over the White House not condemning the Supreme Court leak.

Psaki: “There is an effort to distract from the actual issue … This is not about the leak, this is about women’s health care.”
Note five: So this week’s revelation from a book is that Trump wanted to attack Mexican drug labs with missiles. And the fucked up thing is if he had he probably would’ve won by 20. Also, Esper can eat shit. More: NY Times
Note six: The Kentucky Derby is this weekend, and it will feature more horses’ asses than usual. Trump will be there for a big fundraiser. But McConnell will be there too. Let’s hope they get in the least athletic fight of all time. 
Note seven: Yikes. This Trump robocall suggests he might be a total fucking idiot. More: AJC
Note eight: If you’ve been way more productive than usual and find yourself acting a little Don Juniorish, this might be why.
Note nine: It sure is great to have a real First Lady who doesn’t spend all her kid teasing undocumented kids and making the White House look like the Shining elevators. More: New York Times
Note 10: Oh shit, Face-pooping Dorf is gonna make a run for it. More: CNN
Note 11: The irredeemable piece of pig shit who beat up Office Fanone has pleaded guilty. We hope they bury him under the jail. More: CNN
Note 12: It seems that US intelligence might’ve helped Ukraine sink that Russian warship. We don’t know whether to be angry this got out or shocked and confused by the continued success of US intelligence. More: Washington Post
Note 13: So even for Republicans, this is fucked up. They nominated an actual goddamn murderer to be their candidate for a school board in Indiana. So yeah, we really need to stop calling these motherfuckers pro-life. More: People
Note 14: So another couple of notes about the Democrats who were actually fighting back this week. First, superstar and all-around badass Stacey Abrams’s campaign actually stopped fundraising to instead raise money for local abortion rights groups. More: NPR
Note 15: And in California, this dude is throwing some fireballs at his D.C. counterparts.
Christopher Cadelago
Missed this yesterday, but Gavin Newsom is ripping Democrats in D.C. & arguing they’re getting smoked by GOP on abortion.

“Where the hell is my party?”

“This is a concerted, coordinated effort and yes, they’re winning. Where’s the counter-offensive?"
Note 16: Y’all see Lindsey Graham get fucked up by an Amazon union organizer? More: CNN
Note 17: Karl Racine is D.C.’s attorney general. He has talked very tough for very long about how he was going to hold Trump accountable for the fundraising scam he pulled around his nomination. The reality? He let Trump off the hook for $750,000 and no admission of guilt. So the next time Karl talks tough, we’ll know he’s full of shit. More: Law and Crime
Note 18: We’re just so glad that Russia has apologized to Israel. Can y’all think of anything else those murdering scumbags should apologize for? More: Washington Post
Note 19: Shell made a record $9.1 billion in the first quarter. That’s not inflation. That’s them stealing from us. More: New York Times
Note 20: Alrighty, you gorgeous patriotic lovelies, let’s shimmy our fine asses on over to the news section. This week fucking blew. There ain’t not sugarcoating it. So if you can unplug and practice some self-care, please do. And if you’re gonna hit the streets instead, please be careful. We love y’all, and we’re not going anywhere. Have a great weekend, and remember — don’t lose heart. 
The shittiest week ever had a huge silver lining. While we’re sorry to see that Jen Psaki is leaving the White House on May 13, we are so fucking happy to see who will be stepping up. Karine Jean-Pierre will be the first Black person to ever be WH press sec. She will be the first Black woman to do it. She will be the first openly LGBTQ person to do it. And we are here for all of it. Give ‘em hell, Karine! More: CNN
Fuck off, Susan
Susan Collins, who has for years been described as moderate and pro-choice, actually just sucks. Yeah, Susan has gone from concerned that some lying justices lied to her to being just fine with it and refusing to join a Democratic bill that would codify Roe into law. Yeah, she has some made up concerns about how it doesn’t go far enough to protect Catholics. You’d think she would get a question about whether she’s actually pro-choice, but that would be asking a lot of our gutless beltway media. More: CNN
Holy shit that’s a big jobs report! Yeah, let’s close this week out on a positive note. In April, the economy added 428,000 jobs, and the unemployment rate stayed at 3.6 percent which is like a 50-year low. This is a great jobs report, and we should all be talking about it. When we’re not screaming profanity about the fall of Roe. Good job, Joe! More: CNN
Today’s clips
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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