View profile

Today’s Big Stuff 5.5.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
Today’s Big Stuff 5.5.22
It’s Thursday. There are 188 days until the midterm elections. A horrific COVID milestone as official Washington tests positive, Elon is full of crap and more McCarthy recordings.
Be advised: If we weren’t already a cussin’ newsletter that spells lots of shit wrong, this week would’ve made us ond.

Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots. You ever had one of those weeks where Monday is an S, Tuesday is a H, Wednesday is a I and Thursday is a T? Yeah, us too. But it could’ve been worse. Someone could’ve leaked a video of us doin’ our cousin in the face. WHAT?!
LOL yeah, don’t worry. We’re not posting that shit because you seriously can’t unsee it and even for us it’s pretty fucked up. But yeah Madison Cawthorn appears to have had a recorded and rather aggressive and nekkid encounter with his cousin’s grill. It’s like that video where he was punching trees in that you’ll have the same reaction while watching it — Oh what’s this? What is that? Seriously what the fuck is that? Wait. Wait is that? Is he? Oh my. Well that looks like it hurts. Yikes. That guy has some serious anger issues. Who put this out? Oh shit! You can tell this guy is friends with Newt Gingrich. Have other people seen this? Dude. Whoa. Wow! That was fucking crazy!
Tell us you didn’t sound just like that when you saw it.
Now we’ve seen quite a few folks think this is a video of Madison having gay sex with his cousin. It’s not, and if Madison wants to face-bang consenting adults, good for him. But the cousin part is real, and we’ll sure as shit make fun of someone for nekkid grabass with his cousin. We call it the Giuliani principle. Basically anyone who is so depraved that they think of a family reunion the way Larry thought of the Regal Beagle shouldn’t be in public office. And this part is coming from Sam. And he’s from Kentucky! So congrats to Madison Cawthorn on getting lectured by some dude from Kentucky about why you shouldn’t hook up with your cousin.
Anyway, it’s been a fucking nightmare week and we know y’all have been through it, so please feel free to have a cheap (non-homophobic) laugh at Madison Cawthorn’s expense. And if you start to feel bad that Republican leadership is slowly destroying him, just remember fuck him.
No, Cawthorn cousins, we’re not talking to you.
Note two: So this is probably a good time to say welcome to our new subscribers. Welcome!
Note three: We want to give a big TBS shoutout today to our friend Mary Trump. Mary has been enormously supportive of what we’re doing here at cussword daily, and she’s working hard to push back the orange wave. Thanks, Mary!
Note four: We want to send the opposite of a TBS shoutout to the dude who wrote to tell us we’re too adolescent. Yeah, we called him a farthead and blocked his ass.
Note five: Starbucks is doing some truly disgusting shit to try and stop its employees from organizing. So if you can get your coffee elsewhere, we recommend it. More: The Guardian
Note six: Can someone explain to us why elected Democrats followed up the Roe news by signing on to some bullshit from Ted Cruz? We need more from our leadership, and we need it right fucking now.
Manu Raju
62-33, Senate approves non-binding measure calling on administration not to agree to a nuclear deal with Iran unless Tehran accepts some tough minimal requirements, like curbing its ballistic missile program and sanctions on Revolutionary Guard, per @alizaslav @tedbarrettcnn
Note seven: We don’t have the cuss words to fully articulate how fucking livid we are that Democratic leadership is still endorsing — and fucking campaigning for — an anti-choice candidate. Makes every word they’ve said this week sound like complete bullshit.
Jack Herrera
“When people tell you you need to agree on everything, I do not agree with Henry Cuellar on everything…we need to sit down with people who we do not agree with and try to find common ground, to do what is necessary to move this country forward,” say @WhipClyburn
Note eight: The Wall Street Journal and other right-wing douchebags are telling us not to worry and that a corrupt and lawless SCOTUS won’t actually come for marriage equality. We’d like to invite them to eat shit and go fuck themselves. We’re not falling for it.
Note nine: Wow. An Oathkeeper is saying he heard their leader talking to a Trump intermediary on Jan. 6. This seems big. More: NBC News
Note 10: The Federal Reserve believes things have been too good for working people, so they’re going to raise interest rates and get a bunch of people laid off. More: CNN
Note 11: Holy shit! Did y’all see the kid from Harry Potter playing Weird Al? Take all our money. More: CNN
Note 12: Don Junior met with the Jan. 6 committee yesterday. That trail of cocaine to the committee room worked! More: USA Today
Note 13: Speaking of which…
Akilah Hughes
This man has had glazed eyes and slurred speech for several years now. We all just gonna pretend we don’t see it like he’s our cousin at Christmas?
Note 14: A lot of things have messed with us these past few years, but Howard Stern being one of the most compassionate and on-message progressives continues to shock the shit out of us. More: HuffPost
Note 15: The people telling you that Republicans will stop with Roe are lying. More: The Independent
Note 16: Trump claims nobody has done more for religion than him. He definitely made us think about religion more as we were constantly saying “Oh god what the fuck has this shithead done now?” More: Daily Beast
Note 17: Sam Alito canceled a speech. Probably because he’s a scumbag pig-fucking coward. More: Reuters
Note 18: So apparently we’ve been helping Ukraine take out Russian generals. We like it, but we sure as hell wonder why someone is leaking it. More: NY Times
Note 19: Warning — This is worse than the Cawthorn video.
Oliver Willis
this is jr majewski, who just won the gop nomination for congress in ohio last night, "rapping" his verse of "let's go brandon." i can't. (h/t @daveweigel)
Note 20: And on that note, let us get on over to the news. We hope y’all are keeping your heads up. We know this has been the nightmare week from the depths of hell. But we do want you to know that we love you, and we’re not gonna stop cussing out the assholes fucking everything up. Have a great day.
1 million
It finally happened. We have officially lost 1 million Americans to COVID. And the news comes just as we as a country have totally given up. This past weekend, the president of the United States, members of his cabinet and the beltway press crowded into a hotel ballroom to celebrate themselves. And yeah, so a lot of them are testing positive. We understand folks need to live their lives, but this shit is still real and still out there. So please get boosted. More: NBC News, CNBC
Elon Musk cares so much about free speech that he teamed up with Qatar and Saudi Arabia to buy twitter. We’re not making this up. He’s also making himself CEO after the deal goes through. Shocker. We’re gonna hang around as long as we can, but we can’t stand that asshole and it won’t be hard for us to give him the finger and go somewhere else. More: CNBC
Remember these?
The beltway media has moved on, but we’re still hearing more recordings from Kevin McCarthy. That’s probably why the Cawthorn tape dropped yesterday. In the tape, McCarthy said that the 25th amendment “takes too long.” He also said he wanted to reach out to Biden. But then he remembered he’s a gutless shitweasel and he flew down to Mar-a-Lago to kiss some insurrectionist ass. More: CNN
Today’s clips
Mortgage rates rose this week, continuing an upward trend that has pushed rates more than two percentage points higher this year.
The 30-year fixed-rate mortgage averaged 5.27% in the week ending May 5, up from 5.10% the week before, according to Freddie Mac. It is the highest since 2009 and well above the 2.96% average from this time last year.
More: CNN
Support Today’s Big Stuff
If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to
Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.
Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.
So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.
So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.
Did you enjoy this issue? Yes No
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

In order to unsubscribe, click here.
If you were forwarded this newsletter and you like it, you can subscribe here.
Created with Revue by Twitter.