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Today’s Big Stuff 5.4.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
Today’s Big Stuff 5.4.22
It’s Wednesday. There are 189 days until the midterm elections. Republicans are ashamed and afraid of what they’ve done, Trump’s DHS covered up more Russia love for the orange idiot and some good news out of Michigan.
Be advised: Our Cuss-o-matic 3000 is turned all the way up to 11 today. We misspell a lot of fucking shin too.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, does your throat hurt from screaming “FUCK ALITO!” at the top of your lungs for hours? Yeah, ours too. We thought about gargling with some shit we found under the sink, but then we remembered that’s how you cure COVID. So yeah, everything is on fire, and we’re all wondering when the dudes when the hoses are going to show up.
If we can be serious for a minute, we want to talk about an anonymous email we received last night. We won’t divulge any specific lines or details, but we will say that this person is a young Democrat who has worked her ass off for the party and given money she didn’t have to give. She wants to know when her elected leaders are going to return the favor. She wants to know when they’re going to demonstrate that they’re fighting for her. She wants to know when they’re going to show her that they care.
Y’all, we don’t mind telling you it put tears in our eyes and a lump in our throat. Watching millions of women have their rights taken from them is shocking and horrifying. Watching some of those women have their hope taken from them is even worse. So here’s our best answer, and please give us some latitude because this serious stuff is new for us.
Basically we see the Republican Party as an ax-murderer who is slowly coming toward us. Our options to get away are a piece of shit old AMC Gremlin that smells like open ass and sometimes goes “wut” when you hit the gas or we can walk. Do we often cuss and even despise that fucking Gremlin? You bet your ass we do. But we really don’t want to be hacked up by the freak with the ax, and our bunions won’t let us escape by foot. So that’s why we go with the Gremlin. It’s why we cheer on the Gremlin. And it’s why we sometimes hold our noses and ignore that open ass smell.
But we know these lesser-of-two-evils responses are just as frustrating as inaction. We know this is beyond political theory and real people are going to really hurt. But we honestly don’t know what else to do, so we’re just going to keep fighting the only way we know how.
If you’re tired, we get it. If you wonder where the fuck your party is, we get that too. And yeah, it should take more than saying vote Democratic or the most evil motherfuckers on the planet will be in charge of everything and make shit even worse. But it’s true…
Matt Gaetz
How many of the women rallying against overturning Roe are over-educated, under-loved millennials who sadly return from protests to a lonely microwave dinner with their cats, and no bumble matches?
Note two: By the way, that creepy fucking loser is a credibly accused child rapist. We would sure like to hear our party talk about shit like that more.
Note three: To our reader who emailed last night, we’re sorry we don’t have more to offer. But we do want to point you to this piece out this morning by our friend Meredith Shiner and assure you that you’re not alone in your anger. More: New Republic
Note four: We’re starting off pretty heavy today, so allow us to get back to some true TBS style — poopy fart fart buttcheek scrotum. There. We feel much better.
Note five: It’s May 4th so this is a Star Wars appreciation note. Yes, we are geeks.
Obi-Wan Kenobi
They're coming.

#ObiWanKenobi, a limited series, starts streaming May 27 on @DisneyPlus. https://t.co/NOX2nj015X
Note six: Jelly Doughnut (JD) Vance won his primary in Ohio last night. That means Peter Thiel, who has talked about drinking teenager blood, just bought a Senate candidate for $15 million. It also means Josh Mandel has to go back to living under a bridge instead of defiling one. More: Mother Jones
Note seven: So what do we do? We work our asses off for Tim Ryan.
Tim Ryan
JD Vance doesn’t care about Ohioans and he thinks our country is a joke.

Now he wants to represent us in the Senate? You’ve got to be kidding. https://t.co/UM7A5nL3al
Note eight: If you’re out protesting a corrupt Supreme Court’s attack on women, please be careful. And please be loud.
Note nine: It looks like a bunch of reporters are getting COVID after the White House Correspondents Dinner. So now we know that putting your head up your own ass doesn’t stop you from catching it. More: New Republic
Note 10: John Roberts has ordered an investigation into the leak at SCOTUS. So now we know he’s fine with the Thomases wanting to violently overthrow the government. More: CNN
Note 11: This is pretty cool. Congrats to Dusty Baker. Fuck Houston. More: ESPN
Note 12: Last night was the annual Emily’s List gala. Our people went off. Especially the vice president. More: Vice
Note 13: Btw, we’re loving what we’re seeing from California leaders on this. More: The Guardian
Note 14: One of the many former Trump aides accused of beating women (this time he was accused of beating White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham) won his primary last night. The GOP hates women, and we need to plainly say that. More: NBC News
Note 15: How the fuck did this dirtbag only get 60 days? More: Reuters
Note 16: Thank you to AOC for calling out Krysten Sinema’s absolute bullshit.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
We could protect Roe tomorrow, but Sinema refuses to act on the filibuster. Until that changes she can take a seat talking about “women’s access to health care.”

Hold everyone contributing to this disaster accountable, GOP & Dem obstructionists included. She should be primaried. https://t.co/NWLsixsiNH
Note 17: Remember how Trump is being forced to pay $10,000 a day because he’s being held in contempt? Well a judge denied his appeal so he’s gotta pay up. More: CNBC
Note 18: So right now, Democratic leadership is supporting Rep. Henry Cuellar in Texas. Cuellar is the only anti-choice Democrat we have, and he’s running against pro-choice candidate Jessica Cisneros. Leadership needs to change course. No mixed signals here. Period.
Note 19: This was a pretty cool Biden story from yesterday that none of us saw because we were all throwing shit at our televisons. More: Wall Street Journal
Note 20: Congrats to Shontel Brown in Ohio for fending off a stupid and pointless primary challenge. More: NBC News
Note 21: Ok, SPs, let’s get on over to the news. But before we do, we have a message for any elected Dems who might be reading this — you’re losing your party through fear and caution. People fought to put you where you are, and they’re running out of patience waiting for you to fight for them. Do better. We’re all counting on you. And to you Sexy Patriots, well, stay sexy and have a great day.
Chickenshits
After 50 years of demagoguery and violence, Republicans are finally getting what they want on abortion. And they’re so cowardly and ashamed of what they’ve done that they can’t even bring themselves to talk about it. Moscow Mitch could do nothing but stammer like an idiot child about the leak. And none of them want to talk about what it means for the midterms. Fucking cowards. More: CNN
So fucked up        
So Chad Wolf, Trump’s DHS secretary, altered and killed an intelligence report that showed Russia was favoring and helping Trump in the 2020 election. Yeah, so the same fucking shit they did in 2016 except this time they used the goddamn U.S. government to keep it hidden from us. Lock that motherfucker up today. More: CBS News
We needed this one
In Ohio, Trump got his QAnon Jan. 6 candidates. But in Michigan, two big pieces of shit got flushed. Yeah, Robert Regan, who you might remember as the guy who said he would tell his daughter to to “just lie back and enjoy it” if she were being raped, lost his seat to a Democrat in a district Trump won by 16 points. We can beat these extremists. It’s closer than it should be, but there are still more good people than bad. Let’s build off this. More: Detroit News
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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