Today's Big Stuff 5.3.22

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Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
5.3.22
It’s Tuesday. There are 190 days until the midterm elections. America sends women back to the stone age, Susan Collins is shocked and Democrats respond. 
Be advised: We fell out of the cussing and typo tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Note: Hello, Sexy Patriots. We hope today finds you angry, cussing, sexy and ready to raise all kinds of hell. While we normally introduce TBS with something either funny or so stupid it’s kind of funny, today we don’t feel like doing much except cussing like the outraged assholes that we are. 

So let’s start with some important business —
(ahem) FUCK Brett Kavanugh. FUCK Amy Coney Barrett. FUCK Neil Gorsuch. FUCK Clarence Thomas (and FUCK his terrorist wife). FUCK Sam Alito. ESPECIALLY FUCK Sam Alito. FUCK Susan Collins. FUCK them all. FUCK them to the sewer that runs under hell’s shitters. FUCK them with an old poop-covered shoe we found in the woods. FUCK them forever. We hope they eat pig shit and choke on it. 
philip lewis
The scene outside the Supreme Court right now, large “Fuck Alito” chant going: https://t.co/a1iWhraTCy
To our women readers, we see you. We see your fear, your anger and your well-deserved indignation. We’re not real sure what to say beyond that except this — those taliban assholes have fucked up big time. Because people were asleep. Now they’re awake. This is a scary, broken and lawless court. It’s coming for Americans everywhere, and now we know it for sure. If that doesn’t get people off their fucking asses this November, then nothing will.
Kat Dennings
They did it on Met Gala night thinking we would be too distracted by Sebastian Stan’s pink suit to notice. Well we noticed motherfuckers
We’ll be honest — This is probably the start of a dark chapter for our country. And the only way there will be light again will be if we fight to bring it. And we’re ready to fucking bring it. 
Today is an election day. People are voting as we write this. If you’re someplace you can vote, then go vote. If you’re not, then look up a campaign website somewhere and find a way to help. We’re not the kind of fucking scumbags who attack the Capitol, beat up cops and smear our shit on the walls. That’s the other side. So we’re gonna go to work doing the hard shit to fix this. And it starts today. 
Note two: This news is really a punch to the gut, and if it has taken the wind out of you, we understand. Please take care of yourself right now. We love you, and we’ll be here. 
Note three: Seriously WHAT THE EFFING FUCK COUNTRY IS THIS?! 
Note four: On the bright side, this warrior is still out there killing it. 
The New York Times
Hillary Clinton arrived at the #MetGala in a Joseph Altuzarra dress that is embroidered with the names of American women who inspired her, including Abigail Adams and Harriet Tubman. https://t.co/TJG7ANFamv https://t.co/cwRP0uWrBP
Note five: So here’s some other news. A bunch of Americans quit their jobs. Maybe they’re tired of working for people who think Mitch McConnell is cool. More: CNN
Note six: This is a hard story to talk about. Sen. Feinstein is apparently having trouble, and it’s an open secret in D.C. The only thing we can’t figure out is why there aren’t stories like this about a dozen other male senators. More: New York Times
Note seven: We’ll talk more about this in the news section, but Schumer actually said something important today and in his statement with Speaker Pelosi last night — the Republican judges lied to the Senate about Roe. We, as a party, need to make them eat it. More: Huff Post
Note eight: Republicans are gonna focus on the leak. And that makes sense because they’re chickenshits and because QAnon is too. More: Vice
Note nine: Hey so a military vet who attacked our country on Jan. 6 was sentenced to more than two years in prison. But goddamn it’s hard to pretend justice is a real thing today. More: NBC News
Note 10: Tim Ryan wasn’t afraid at all. He went right at the court and defended a woman’s right to choose. John Fetterman and Mandela Barnes weren’t afraid either. Neither was Josh Shapiro. We’ve got great candidates running this year. Let’s put them in office so they can be our anger. More: CNN
Note 11: Madison Cawthorn might think all this shit has led us to forget about him. It hasn’t. More: Washington Post
Note 12: Hey so they picked that grand jury in Georgia yesterday. Just remember that it can’t issue indictments. Only subpoenas at this stage. USA Today
Note 13: This is huge. A county judge in Oklahoma refused to dismiss a case where survivors of the Tulsa race massacre are demanding accountability and reparations. More: CNN
Note 14: Republican on Republican crime. George W. Bush is hosting a fundraiser for Brian Kemp, the scum who wouldn’t cheat for Trump but did sign some Jim Crow laws. More: Fox News
Note 15: Yeah, we feel gross about linking to Fox, but we hate Politico and they’re everywhere right now.
Note 16: Is there anything Delta can’t fuck up? More: USA Today
Note 17: It’s National Teacher Appreciation Week. And since we’re not the assholes who want to fire teachers for talking about slavery, we think this is pretty cool.
Kamala Harris
During National Teacher Appreciation Week, I'm thinking of my first-grade teacher, Mrs. Frances Wilson, who attended my law school graduation. Like so many of our nation's teachers, she sparked my love of learning and made a difference in my life. https://t.co/zFfRFrQyTb
Note 18: Speaking of the vice president, she tested negative yesterday and is back to being 100 percent amazing. 
Note 19: Republicans are skipping debates. It’s probably because they’re either deranged, dishonest, scared or just dumber than dog shit. More: Associated Press
Note 20: Ok, Sexy Patriots, to the news and then to the battlefield. We’re sure as fuck not gonna take this shit lying down, so let’s make a plan and execute it. Find your candidate. Find your voice. Find your “Fuck Them All” button and smash that motherfucker. Let’s show them how much they fucked up by pissing us off. Y’all have a good day.
Well goddamnit
As we’ve been discussing, the Supreme Court is poised to overturn Roe and Casey and allow at least 26 states to immediately outlaw abortion. The draft opinion, written by Alito, was leaked to Politico. Republicans are focusing on the leak because they don’t want to talk about the women they just killed. The opinion also makes clear that this taliban scum is coming for birth control, same-sex marriage and interracial marriage. We say fuck that. More: CNN
Concerning
Con artist Susan Collins, who wants Trump back on twitter and endorsed Paul LePage, wants you to know that Kavanaugh and Gorsuch lied to her about Roe. Yeah, so either she’s a complete fucking idiot or she knows how easy it is for her to play the press and still get called a moderate. Go fuck yourself, Susan. You did this. More: CNN
Response
Joe Biden put out a statement saying his administration will be ready to respond when the decision comes down. Pelosi and Schumer had some very tough words. What anyone will or can actually do is another story altogether. But we think it’s critical that our leaders show us how angry they are, show us they have a plan and be willing to take on the Supreme Court, unlike when we found out about Ginni Thomas. More: CNN
Today’s clips
NO CLIPS TODAY 
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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