View profile

Today’s Big Stuff 5.23.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
Today’s Big Stuff 5.23.22
It’s Monday. There are 169 (nice) days until the midterm elections. We haven’t forgotten about Ginni Thomas, we’re expecting very little from the Jan. 6 committee and baby formula is here. 
Be advised: What time is it? It’s cussing tim. Fuck. Must be spell shit wrong time too.

Note: LOL. All we can say, Sexy Patriots, is nope. Hell fucking nope to monkeypox. Yeah, if you were one of the lucky ones who haven’t seen it, we apparently now have to worry about something called monekypox. Since every dumbshit on the planet is doing his or her own research these days, we figured we were overdue to get in on it. So we went to Facebook and what we found out will shock you. 
It turns out that this is not a naturally occurring disease. The truth is actually much more insidious. The monkeypox are (long dramatic pause) MADISON CAWTHORN! GASP! It’s true! Do you think it’s a coincidence that we had to start looking out for this shit the second lil’’ tree-puncher found a bunch of free time? Hell no! So we tracked that fucker down, and he agreed to sit for an interview. Here is a transcript of that very not real interview with Monkeypox Cawthorn…
TBS: You really are just the fucking worst aren’t you?
MMP: Dudes! How did y’all know it was me?!
TBS: Well, we saw how awful that shit is and we knew how fucking awful you are so we just put two and two together.
MMP: And?
TBS: And we got four. Jesus. 
MMP: Jesus! That’s who I pretend to follow!
TBS: Yeah, we know, asshole. So why did you turn into monkeypox?
MMP: Well, as y’all know, I am a horrible human being. Like one of the worst. And I just figured since I got beat this is a good way I can keep being a terrible and dangerous piece of shit. 
TBS: How did you do it?
MMP: Rand Paul does shit like this in his garage all the time. That’s the real reason his neighbor kicked his ass. Rand was trying to turn the guy into a nasty cholera strain. 
TBS: Well that’s fucked up. Does your family have it?
MMP: What do you think?
TBS: Oh right. 
Ok so that was pretty dumb. But is it any dumber than all the stupid COVID shit the right made up? Exactly. We hope y’all have a kick-ass week!
Note two: We wanted to start with something funny today because we’re so mad we can’t stand it. Mitch McConnell this year said that African-Americans aren’t real Amerians, and then his members spent weeks smearing the nation’s first Black woman SCOTUS justice as a friend to pedophiles. Herschel Walker is an abusive nutbjob who held guns to women’s head and ripped off veterans. And this is what the beltway coverage is today…
Burgess Everett
Move over Tuberville, Coach Mitch and Herschel Walker "talk frequently. I think he's in good shape going into the general"

"He's a quick study and very good at bridging the divisions down there that have been on full display" for 2 years in Ga.

https://t.co/1QLoE38ZZB
This is why TBS boycotts Politico. 
Note three: Kellyanne Conway has a book coming out tomorrow. We already hate every gutless motherfucker in D.C. who’s gonna help her sell it. NO LINK
Note four: Well this is weird. Russia banned a bunch of Americans but not Trump and his Republican friends. Wonder why. USA Today
Note five: This morning the Supreme Court made it harder for innocent people to get out of prison. But nobody is threatening to take their communion away. CNN
Note six: Speaking of which, if we tell this archbishop that Pelosi molested a bunch of kids, can she get communion again? NY Times
Note seven: Texas wants to go after companies that help their employees get abortions. Fascism isn’t coming. It’s very much here. Texas Tribune
Note eight: Pfizer says its vaccine is more than 80 percent effective for kids between six months and five years old. We hope everyone gets the vaccine. Because COVID fucking sucks. Axios
Note nine: Speaking of COVID, if you need some tv recommendations, talk to Sam. He has now watched everything. And the new Chip N’ Dale movie is delightful.
Note 10: Biden said today that the U.S. would intervene if China attacked Taiwan. Yikes. CNN
Note 11: Remember when we were kids and they lied to us and told us the law applies to everyone? AP News
Note 12: Are we in the last days of American democracy? Well, maybe.
Heidi Przybyla
NYT: Trump “acknowledged he is looking for candidates who want state legislatures to have a say in naming presidential electors”

Or legislatures essentially overruling voters
👇🏻👇🏻 https://t.co/cmSaWs9Z20
Note 13: Pennsylvania Lt. Gov. John Fetterman got out of the hospital this weekend. And that’s really good news because we’re really gonna need him to kick some ass. ABC News
Note 14: Tennessee is making it a felony to be homeless. That should fix it.  WVLT
Note 15: This weekend, Trump and his Nazi Republican buddies spoke in Hungary. They did this because they’re just so fucking America first and not at all Nazis like this miserable piece of shit. 
Matt Schlapp
George Soros your benefactor would be so proud of you.

The Jewish community in Budapest is thriving. So is the whole city.

My Pope needs a new Comms director. https://t.co/3m8KT6YFmS
Note 16: Trump Republicans in Georgia don’t want thousands of new jobs for Georgians because they would be making parts for electric vehicles. Ok. Then let those dumb fucks starve. NBC News
Note 17: Tomorrow is an election day. Are they voting in your state? Are you ready?
Note 18: Republicans keep telling us this isn’t a racist country. Reporters keep believing them. So maybe out of touch white Washington assholes should start listening. Washington Post
Note 19: Alrighty, SPs, let’s get to the news. Because we’re running late as hell. Mondays, right? We love y’all, and we hope y’all had a great weekend. Watch out for Madisonpox.
The Thomases
There’s this new trend where on Fridays we find out that Ginni Thomas tried to overthrow the government, and then on Monday everyone forgets. Well we didn’t fucking forget. This past Friday we found out that trash tried to have the Arizona electors thrown out for a “clean slate.” Today Clarence wrote this majority opinion in more made up cruel law. So um hey, Democratic leadership, are you gonna say or do anything about this?
Six?!
So we’ve all been putting our eggs in the basket of the Jan. 6 committee and their hearings. Well it turns out they’re only going to do six hearings. Yeah, we knew they would let us down, and so we saw this coming. Hey, we’re talking about the Democratic Party here. The same party that didn’t call witnesses in the last impeachment trial because Chris Coons had Valentine’s plans. Expect this thing to be weak, ineffective and over quickly. 
Woohoo!
Emergency shipments of baby formula began arriving over the weekend. Despite what you read in the press, Joe Biden didn’t cause this problem. But he did move fast as hell to try and fix it. Good job, Mr. President!
Today’s clips
President Joe Biden on Monday said the thirteen nations joining his long-sought economic plan for Asia were “signing up to work toward an economic vision that will deliver for all people on Earth.” CNN
Support Today’s Big Stuff
If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.
Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.
Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.
So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.
So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.
Did you enjoy this issue? Yes No
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

In order to unsubscribe, click here.
If you were forwarded this newsletter and you like it, you can subscribe here.
Created with Revue by Twitter.