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Today’s Big Stuff 5.20.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
Today’s Big Stuff 5.20.22
Happy Friday. There are 172 days until the midterm elections. Elon makes clear that he really is a Republican, Trump cuts a loser loose and Biden goes to Asia.
Be advised: This damn newsletter cusses like a motherfucker. But our spelling is getting better.

Note: Sexy Patriots! You made it to the weekend, and you did it super sexily. We’re proud of you. But you knew that. Us? We’re good now. But yesterday was a little dicey. When the internet exploded into a vast coke orgy of jokes about Madison Cawthorn and Dark Maga, we started to panic. How could we possibly come up with something original to mock a guy who punches trees and does other stuff with his cousin? We decided that we couldn’t. Yeah, we figured that y’all had all the best jokes covered.
Mark Agee
I can't believe Elon is a sex weirdo. He's just a a 50-year-old dude with a 30-year-old girlfriend who looks 7, six kids he doesn't talk to, hair he bought, Azealia Banks and his ex-wife said so, and he talks like a vampire from Scooby Doo. We need the world's greatest detective
Bravo! We couldn’t compete with that so we bowed out and decided to wait for the next really fucking stupid Republican thing to happen. And it took like two seconds. And then there was another one like eight seconds later. A full minute later Thomas Massie announced to the world that he was going on a hunger stripe. That’s not a typo. He’s only going to eat the skidmarks from his own underwear until the world invents a hybrid machine-gun/sex-doll. That’s when it hit us — they’re getting more dangerous and dumber at roughly the same speed.
Do you know what this means? This means we’re like five years away from some thugs telling us to bow down to Polka-dotted Poopyface Maga and we’re like that’s hilarious you fucking idiots are so goddamn dumb and they’re like yeah well you still gotta fucking bow because Polka-dotted Poopyface Maga makes the rules now and we’ll be like fuck that you can’t make us and they’ll be like well you shouldn’t have stayed home that one election and we’ll be like damn you got us Polka-dotted Poopyface Maga.
So keep fighting the good fight, Sexy Patriots. These assholes have just begun to get deadly and ridiculous.
Note two: Tucker Carlson is a fraud who kissed Hunter Biden’s ass to get his ugly kids into a fancy school?! We’re shocked. The only things authentic about Tucker are his racism and his mother’s hatred for him. More: Washington Post
Note three: Let’s give it up for President Joe Biden who has moved mountains to get baby formula to this country after Trump’s stupid goddamn trade deal fucked it up. More: KHN
Note four: We’re very excited for the new Chip N’ Dales movie that comes out on Disney+ today, and we don’t care who knows it.
Note five: We somehow missed this picture this week, and now we can’t stop crying.
ABC News
Pres. Biden hugs a young boy, whose father was killed at the Tops market mass shooting, during a visit to Buffalo, New York, yesterday.
Note six: Wisconsin Republicans have lost control of their pet scumbag. More: WPR
Note seven: Late last night, we found out that piece of shit lawyer who was helping Trump overturn the election was of course in direct contact with Trump. More: CNN
Note eight: Matt Schlapp and his right-wing stooges are in Hungary listening to a dictator and talking about replacement theory. We’re basically up against a party of mass shooters. More: The Guardian
Note nine: Remember earlier this week when Republicans refused to condemn replacement theory? Remember when they voted against baby formula? How about when they voted for more domestic terrorism? These are all things that happened. So expect the Sunday shows to be about Hunter Biden or some shit.
Note 10: We like this move. John Kirby has been doing a great job at the Pentagon. More: Washington Post
Note 11: “Dr.” Oz told a racist piece of shit on Newsmax that he’s opposed to legalizing weed. That’s good news for John Fetterman. More: Business Insider
Note 12: LOL. Dinesh is a disaster. More: Washington Post
Note 13: Y’all aren’t gonna believe this but that buttcrap crazy clerk in Colorado is buttcrap crazy. More: Daily Beast
Note 14: This country loves death way more than we realized. More: CNN
Note 15: John Cornyn, who is an embarrassment to humanity, says that Ken Paxton is an embarrassment for Texas. More: CBS News
Note 16: It doesn’t seem possible, but Trump can get way scarier. If you’re looking for a place where you can make a real difference, we suggest the Michigan state senate. It’s within real reach. More: NBC News
Note 17: Bill Barr is going to cooperate with the Jan. 6 committee? We hope they’re ready to be lied to by a piece of shit. More: Axios
Note 18: Let’s close today on a happy note and wish the biggest congrats in the world to the amazing AOC who got engaged! Woohoo! If there’s one thing that TBS loves, it’s love. More: People
Note 19: Alrighty, you super Sexy Patriots, let’s get to the news. We’re not sure if it’s Sam getting COVID or if there’s something in the air, but we have heard from so many of you this week, and we just want to say thank you. Y’all keep us going, and we are damn grateful. We love you. Have an awesome fucking weekend.
Fuck that horse too
So last night the world found out why recalled sex robot Elon Musk became a Republican. It’s because he’s a scumbag who treats women like they belong to him. Honestly, we could’ve guessed it. Yeah, the exploding car asshole paid out $250,000 to a woman he exposed himself to on a SpaceX flight. He is of course taking it very well, accusing everyone of being liars and saying it’s all political. Why are so many dudes just totally broken?
David Perdue is about to lose another election. Yeah, Trump went all in with that fucking scumbag, who spent months saying the election was stolen from him. Well what’s your excuse this time, d-bag? As much as we hate Trump, we do love watching him turn on the dumbshits in his cult. Enjoy that L, Dave.
Safe travels
Joe Biden is traveling to Japan and Korea this weekend, marking his first trip to Asia as president. The great part about Biden going is we don’t have to worry about him kissing the ass of some deranged North Korean dictator. Safe travels, Mr. President.
Today’s clips
The House select committee investigating the Jan. 6, 2021, Capitol riot is asking GOP Rep. Barry Loudermilk of Georgia about a tour he led of the Capitol complex a day before it was overrun by a mob of Trump supporters, saying they’re looking into reports of protestors who scoped out the building ahead of the riot. More: CNBC
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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