Today's Big Stuff 5.2.22

It’s Monday. There are 191 days until the midterm elections. Speaker Pelosi reminds everyone she’s a badass, a grand jury plays the devil went down to Georgia and the free speech people wanted to shoot protesters in the legs. 

Be advised: We went to a mountaintop to learn to spell better and cuss less. Then we fell down the mountain and forgot everything we learned. It was pretty fucked ip. 

Note: Annnnnnnnd we’re back! Sexy Patriots! We missed the hell out of your hot asses! How are you?! Did the world get smarter and kinder while we were gone? Let’s just take a look here and oh holy shit no it did not. Yikes! 

LOLOL. If your friends can’t remember your name, then they’re not your friends. And if they fuck it up this bad, then they’re not all there. But it got worse. Yes, TBS has obtained an exclusive transcript of a deleted scene from this rally where Trump actually pretends to know what JD stands for. Here it is —

Trump: And you know I need help making America great again again again. Is that too many agains? Oh damn I just blood-shat myself again. That happens so often. Play some more Village People to cover up the awful noises! But yeah, I need my pal JP. I mean JX. I mean JD. I know him well. It stands for Jitterbug Dong. He’s tough on crime and the border, so I’m proud to stand by Jethro Dingus, er, Joker Dingleberry. I mean of course Jesus Doodlefucker! I’m firing the teleprompter guy who made me sound like a fucking moron. 

Phew. That was tough to read. And we have to believe Jethro Dingleberry was sad about it too. But don’t worry, Jaunty D-Bag, we’re sure selling your soul to the orange devil has other benefits. Loser.

Note two: Oh that felt good. It’s so good to be back with y’all. Thank you for allowing us to take some time off and recharge, and thank you for all the birthday wishes to Sam who we assure you did not get less cranky with age. 

Note three: So an update on twitter. It turns out that the right-wing scumbag who bought the place is a right-wing scumbag. We’ll keep hanging out on there and fighting back as long as we can, but we’re bracing for it to become straight garbage and planning accordingly. 

Note four: Oh gosh. This seems bad. Let’s just hope she’s crazier than a shithouse rat.

Note five: The White House Correspondents Dinner was this weekend. You can guess how we feel about a bunch of beltway reporters gathering together in a closed room so they can smell each other’s farts and tell each other what a good job they’re doing. Fortunately, Trevor Noah did some important roasting. 

Note six: Hey btw that opening intro where Trump fucked up JD Vance’s name? It was at a rally for a dirtbag who has been accused of groping women. So of course Trump just ran right over to get his back. More: CNN

Note seven: What? Madison Cawthorn is fucking his cousin? By god that’s Rudy Giuliani’s music they’re playing! More: The Hill

Note eight: Yesterday famous crackhead Mike Lindell returned to twitter and was promptly suspended again. We assume Elon loves crackheads and shitty pillows, so this is probably temporary. More: The Daily Beast

Note nine: The governor of Arkansas says he’s thinking about running for president. So good luck to whatever your name is. More: The Guardian

Note 10: So credit where it’s due. The New York Times has done an exhaustive three-part series about how Tucker Carlson is a racist piece of shit whose own mother hated him. It’s a pretty gripping read and it clearly brought out Tucker’s inner (and outer) psycho. More: New York Times

Note 11: This probably should have gone in the news section, but it didn’t really feel like news. It turns out that the monsters in Congress that we assumed were in on a plot to overturn an election were in fact in on a plot to overturn an election. More: PBS

Note 12: According to WaPo, Biden’s approval numbers have gone up a bit, and Democrats have erased the Republican edge on the generic ballot for the midterms. This shit ain’t over until it’s over. More: Washington Post

Note 13: We honestly can’t understand why Americans would be concerned about this fucking idiot being in charge.

Note 14: Thank god they’ve been able to get some civilians out of Mariupol. The images coming out of there are horrifying. Unless you’re a Republican. More: CNN

Note 15: Damn. RIP to Naomi Judd. More: CNN

Note 16: Israel is very angry that Russia’s foreign minister (same dude who Trump gave classified info to in the Oval) said Zelenksy might have Jewish blood but so did Hitler. Yeah, it turns out the Russians are pretty fucking evil, and we all saw that a while back. More: Axios

Note 17: Eid Mubarak to those who celebrate!

Note 18: Republicans are looking to follow the fall of Roe with a nationwide six-week abortion ban. We’d love to tell you our people were on this and fighting back, but the reality is they are not and Democratic leadership is actually backing anti-choice candidates as we speak. More: Washington Post, Texas Tribune

Note 19: Americans are with Ukraine. Trumpers are with Russia. More: Washington Post

Note 20: Oh damn, SPs, it is good to be back with you. We sure did miss y’all while we were away. Like JD Vance misses his self-respect. We hope y’all have a fantastic week. Love y’all!

While a lot of Washington was gathering to kiss each other’s asses, Speaker Pelosi was in Ukraine, showing the world that U.S. support runs deep and that she’s just an all-around badass motherfucker. 

Yeah, the speaker made the trip after Biden asked for another $33 billion in assistance. Dr. Biden is headed to the region too, visiting Romania and Slovakia to meet with U.S. troops and Ukrainian refugees.

Jury selection starts today in Fulton County as prosecutors empanel a “special purpose grand jury” to delve into Trump’s efforts to interfere with the state’s presidential election. It’s nice to see that Fulton County hasn’t been hit with the same cowardice that got Alvin Bragg in New York. While this grand jury can issue subpoenas, don’t expect any indictments. Prosecutors will need a second grand jury for that. More: AJC

Former SecDef Mark Esper, who was paid to keep this country safe, kept some shocking shit to himself so he could sell books. Yeah, we already knew this but Esper writes that Trump wanted him to fire on protestors, asking Esper if his soldiers could just shoot the protesters in the legs. It’s really terrifying and fucked up, so we already know the Sunday shows don’t give a shit. More: Axios

The United States is rapidly approaching a major jobs milestone that highlights the historically strong economic recovery from Covid-19.

By the end of August, the labor market will have fully recaptured all jobs lost during the pandemic, Fitch Ratings projects in a new report shared first with CNN. More: CNN

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