Today’s Big Stuff 5.18.22

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Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
Today’s Big Stuff 5.18.22
It’s Wednesday. There are 175 days until the midterm elections. Saying farewell to a psycho d-bag, some Trump fellas have a bad day and Pennsylvania nominates some crazy.
Be advised: Y’all like cussin’ and shitty spelling? Well we’ve got some good gnus.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the effing heck are you this hump day? Well you smell humping fantastic. Us? We’re walking on cloud fucking nine. Oh yeah, it’s like we just had sex with prozac. What could possibly cause this good mood in the middle of the puritan reboot of America? Well Joe fucking Biden of course.
But TBS, you’re so good looking and you’ve been pretty critical of the president for not calling out Republicans more forcefully and all the times he talks about what a great goddamn person fucking Rob Portman is. Well, first of all, thank you. We’ve been a little self-conscious lately, so we really appreciate it. Second, you’re right. But ol’ Joey Badass showed off some new moves yesterday, and he finally started calling out some murderous racist trash as murderous racist trash. Yep, the president went to Buffalo and called Tucker Carlson a KKK porn star, called Rupert a corpse-fucking monster and told racists everywhere to suck a fart out of his fine ass.
Aaron Rupar
Biden in Buffalo: "What happened here is simple and straightforward: Terrorism. Domestic terrorism ... a hate that, through the media and politics, the internet, has radicalized angry, alienated, lost, and isolated individuals into falsely believing that they will be replaced" https://t.co/jRv5P595yb
Ok so he might not have put it quite like we would have, but he’s figuring it out. And not a moment too soon. Because — and brace yourself — not a single goddamn member of Republican goddamn leadership has condemned White Replacement Theory. And it ain’t because they haven’t been asked.
Lindsay Wise
Asked Republican Sen. Ron Johnson, who is running for re-election in Wisconsin, to respond to Biden's call in Buffalo today for all Americans to reject replacement theory.

He said Biden should be asked why his administration has opened up the border.
So yeah, the sick fucks who were just fine with an attack on the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6 appear to be sick fucks who are just fine with attacks on us pretty much whenever and wherever. We don’t know about y’all, but that really pisses us off. So let’s get to work and kick some racist sick fuck ass this November.
Note two: LOLOL. They call him the Joe Manchin of the House. But it looks like they’re about to call him ex-congressman. Maybe he shouldn’t have tanked drug price reform. And maybe our party leadership shouldn’t have endorsed him. More: The Intercept
Note three: It sure looks like Trump’s teevee friend Dr. Oz might lose. The funniest part? All these assholes are waiting on mail-in ballots. More: HuffPost
Note four: We have an exclusive update on the latest with Elon Musk — he’s a piece of shit.
Note five: Big congrats to John Fetterman and to Cheri Beasley on winning the Democratic Senate nominations in Pennsylvania and North Carolina last night. Y’all know what to do. More: NPR, NBC News
Note six: We’re gonna get to our good friend Madison (whoa it ain’t like we’re cousins!) in the news section. But we don’t want y’all to worry that North Carolina Republicans are all out of crazy.
Sandy Smith NC
I never ran over anyone with a car and I never hit anyone in the head with a frying pan. If I did that don't you think I would be in jail? All of these #FakeNews allegations have been dismissed by a judge and the people peddling these lies will PAY when I take them to court.(1/2)
Note seven: We don’t know what to make of DOJ asking the Jan. 6 committee for interviews. And we sure as hell don’t know what to make of the committee saying no. Should we just assume we’re fucking this up? More: CNN
Note eight: The White House doesn’t want to talk about it, and Hill Democrats have hit a wall. So we need to be talking about post-Roe in America. More: AP News
Note nine: Now here’s some awesome and long fucking overdue news!
Note 10: Remember when we used to respect Jack Nicklaus? More: NJ.com
Note 11: Want something to make you smile? More: Reuters
Note 12: Ok you gorgeous Sexy Patriots, let’s get to the news. We’re still going through your amazing emails and kind notes, and we promise to reply to every one of them. Y’all really are the fucking best. Like we knew you were sexy and patriotic, but you’ve really just made our hearts melt with your support. We love y’all.
LOLOLOL
We need more Os and more Ls. You’ve probably seen by now that tree-punching cousin-fucker Madison Cawthorn lost his primary last night. Yeah, it’s a real shame. Trump tried to save the little shit, but it turns out that Mad Dog could not be saved. We’re sure last night’s coke orgy was a real bummer. Anyway, fuck off, Madison, and don’t forget to fuck off.
Bummer
Steve Wynn is being sued by DOJ because he’s a foreign agent working for Trump, and Thomas Barrack got some bad news about being a spy for the UAE. Yeah, it turns out we actually do have a Department of Justice, and they actually did some things. Now we just need them to take this whole insurrection thing a little more seriously.
Yikes
So we got some great Democratic nominees last night, and none of them might be as important as Josh Shapiro. Running for governor in Pennsylvania, Shapiro is our last line of defense against the Jan. 6 crazies. Because that’s who Republicans nominated. Yeah, Pennsylvania Republicans nominated Doug Mastriano, an election-denying Jan. 6er. So we have got to beat this motherfucker or the ‘24 presidential race in Pennsylvania will already be decided.
Today’s clips
A 21-year-old Russian soldier has pleaded guilty to killing an unarmed civilian, in the first war crimes trial in Ukraine since the war started. More: BBC
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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