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Today's Big Stuff 5.17.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
5.17.22
It’s Tuesday. There are 176 days until the midterm elections. It’s election day, Karine made history and President Biden is in Buffalo.
Be advised: Even for us, today’s newsletter is immature and obscene. The spelling is pretty goad though. LOL well fuck. 
Note: Yo! Sexy Patriots! Don’t look now, but two sexy shitheads just had a breakthrough. Yeah, we’re talking about us. Now y’all might have noticed that we don’t have much use for Dickaford Ulysses Durbin. That might not be his real full name. You know him as Dick. Dick Durbin. And to us, he is a human symbol of all that is gutless and cowardly about the Beltway Democratic Party. We dislike him so much, we’ve literally never said his first name and then stopped. We usually add to it with a whole host of colorful rhetorical appendages like head, breath and face. We get very creative and personal about it.
And then yesterday, ol’ Dick went and surprised the shit out of us. There he was, standing on the Senate floor, calling out Tucker Carlson’s Nazi-lovin’ narrow ass for pushing White Replacement Theory and getting a lot of good people killed by a pathetic racist monster.

Heartland Signal
Sen. Dick Durbin (D) rips Tucker Carlson, calls him a "leading ideologue in the white supremacist movement."

"400 shows spewing fear and hate... 10 people died in Buffalo. Will Tucker Carlson take 10 minutes to say he's sorry for any role he might have played in that outcome?" https://t.co/yIN2jnrjnn
And as we sat there saying “YEAH, DICK!” it hit us — if Dick can be good for a moment, then it’s worth having Dick for that moment. Sorry. That might be confusing and borderline pornographic. What we mean is this — if you’re like us, you are just about to lose your shit with the timidity of some elected Democrats. And Dick Dubrin’s punk ass is the goddamn poster boy for that shit. But this time something was different. 
Was it still a naive speech to give? Of course. Did Tucker apologize? Oh god no. He was worse than ever. But maybe the lightbulb is starting to turn on for ol’ Dickaford. And maybe if we elect more Democrats, then other light bulbs will start to come on too. And like Dick, they’ll probably suck a lot, but they’ll have moments. And if we add up enough of those moments, then we’ve got a movement. 
So please, get to work. We’re desperate. Send us more Dicks. We won’t always like it, but it’s worth it for that rare moment when Dick doesn’t suck. 
Note two: Ahem. So Sam seems to be feeling better. Though still clearly very sick in other ways. 
Note three: Btw, if we can keep this immature but serious take going for way too long, we’d like to add that there is no Good Dick exception for Joe Manchin. He’s bad dick 24/7/365.  
Note four: There is a UFO hearing in the house today. Which means Majorie Taylor Greene will be swapping out her tin foil hood for a tin foil hat. (Yea, we didn’t know they make white tin foil either) More: CBS News
Note five: Round 2 of free covid tests from the government are available. Order yours today: NBC
Note six: Liz Cheney made Trump poop his pants. Which also means he peed his pants again. More: Independent
Note seven: SCOTUS is bought, broken and corrupt. You didn’t ask for another reason. But here you go: NPR
Note eight: That’s it for us today. We love you all. Get out and enjoy the weather and if the weather is shitty go get some fresh air.
If it’s Tuesday, it’s Election Day
There are primaries today. ID, KY, NC, OR and PA. You know what to do. We want to remind all TBS readers to take a moment to check your voter registration and make sure you are up to date. You can do that through this great tool here: IWillVote.com
HISTORYx3
Press Sec. Jean-Pierre: “I am a Black, gay, immigrant woman, the first of all three of those to hold this position.”
We are so proud of our friend and grateful to have her leadership in this position. We are wishing her the best but we know she has got this. More: Yahoo News
Buffalo
Our hearts are heavy and we know many of you have family and friends in Buffalo. We are grateful President Biden and First Lady Biden are ini Buffalo today. Read More
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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