It’s Monday. There are 177 days until the midterm elections. Tucker Carlson has more blood on his gross hands, a thank you to the thousands who marched and we are sad to say there have been more shootings than we can keep track of this past weekend.
Be advised: We have some serious cussing to make up four. And typos. Fuck.
Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we’re sorry to say that the world did not become a nicer or smarter place while we were away. Sorry about that. It’s damn good to be back with you, but we are ripshit fucking livid. We are so fucking sick of racism and mass shootings and bullshit responses from politicians and media types that we can’t fucking stand it.
Honestly, all we could think to do is this made-up interview with Republican congressional candidate Billy Joe Murmbis. A former carnival employee and avid watcher of Tucker Carlson, Murmbis recently made not-real national news by releasing an ad in which he has sex with an AR-15. So here now to talk with us about how he and the rest of his deranged fucking cult are killing America, please raise your middle fingers for Billy Joe Murmbis…
TBS: So you’re the asshole who fucked a gun?
Murmbis: Typical liberal bullshit. You’ll just never understand what it feels like to make love to liberty. To truly fuck freedom.
TBS: Even for a psycho asswipe like you that’s some idiotic gibberish.
Murmbis: It makes perfect sense. My weiner stopped working and Trump and guns makes it work again.
TBS: You should be locked in a padded room and forgotten about.
Murmbis: That’s what them asshole doctors said too. But they also told me not to drink bleach.
TBS: You should definitely drink bleach. All of it.
Murmbis: Can do! Right after I go put my little pecker in this pistol.
TBS: It sure would be a shame if you shot it off.
Anyway, fuck Billy Joe Murmbis and every asshole Republican like him. This is why we can’t quit. Because those fuckers won’t. Y’all have a great week.
Note two: Hey y’all, this is Sam. I just wanted to say thank you for all the nice notes the last few days. I got hit with COVID, and it has been an unpleasant few days. I still cussed a lot, but not on paper. As shitty as it has been, I have to believe it would’ve been way worse if I hadn’t been boosted and sexy. Please go get boosted if you haven’t already. You’re already nailing the sexy part!
: This is from April but it is a good guide to the top senate seats that are up this cycle to bookmark if you every need a reminder: NPR
: Finland and Sweden continue to move towards joining NATO. And Ukraine continues to beat Russia. More: CNBC
: We are wishing John Fetterman a speedy recovery. More: NBC8
: Liz Cheney says the House GOP enabled white nationalism, white supremacy and anti-semitism. We agree with her. More: Axios
: Rand Paul blocked quick passage of 40 billion dollars in aid to Ukraine. For those keeping track, this is the same Rand Paul that hand delivered a letter from Donald Trump to Vladimir Putin. It is also the same Rand Paul that Senator John McCain said works for Vladimir Putin. More: The Guardian
: There is a total lunar eclipse today. But everyone in DC will still be scared of their own shadow. More: WTOP
Note nine: Do what Sam said. Go get boosted if you can. We are keeping things short today. We hope everyone has a safe and happy start to their week. We love you all.