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Today's Big Stuff 5.10.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
5.10.22
It’s Tuesday. There are 183 days until the midterm elections. Schumer’s Senate rushes to protect… Brett Kavanaugh, voting officials wear bullet-proof vests in a totally normal country and Ted Cruz hears it from a former hostage’s dad. 
Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter, and we aim to do some cussing todoy. We spell like shit too.
Note: Ok, Sexy Patriots, things are royally fucked up. But we don’t have to tell you that. Still, it’s probably good when we dissect some of the bad shit just so we can try and figure out how to stop it. So today we’re going to be taking a closer look at something truly idotic — a movie by D’Nesh Disouza. And yes, we would have a better view and a better time if we just stuck our heads up our own asses. Anyway, this is what Convict McDumfuck has come up with…

Noor Bin Ladin
#2000Mules proves what we’ve known since election night: Trump won.

We owe a huge deal of gratitude to @DineshDSouza and team for distilling and presenting the fraud so unequivocally.

Share with everyone you know - there’s no 2024 without rectifying 2020
https://t.co/cThzTEVOfV
LOL. If you can’t trust a bin Ladin, then who can you trust? 
We linked to an AP fact-check on this pile of shit yesterday, but to be honest, we don’t know anything about it. So we figured we’d get right to the source and talk to one of the 2,000 mules. This mule is named Gus, and he lives on a farm.
TBS: So you’re like an actual mule?
Gus: Yep. Been a donkey my whole life.
TBS: But… we don’t… maybe we’re just confused.
Gus: You’re confused?! You ever had a bunch of lunatic fucking assholes accuse you of stealing a presidential election?
TBS: Um no, but how could you… we mean like… aren’t you…?
Gus: LOL. Yeah, I get it, bros. I’m a donkey. Only a complete fucking idiot would think I could steal a presidential election.
TBS: But here we are.
Gus: Yeah, it’s pretty messed up. Now I will confess that this Dinesh guy did approach me about being in his movie, but I declined.
TBS: Oh you didn’t want to be a part of the Big Lie?
Gus: Well that and he kept rubbing up against me. It was really off-putting. He kept talking about how he hated gay marriage but he loved having sex with farm animals.
TBS: Wow. That is really fucked up.
Gus: You said it. 
Ok, well that took a turn. We won’t call it surprising, but it was a turn. And for what it’s worth, Dinesh probably doesn’t fuck farm animals. We have to believe they have better taste than that. Hope y’all have a great day!
Note two: We would normally not suggest you watch the dumbshits at OAN, but this is worth an exception. It’s nice to watch them eat crow and shit.
Note three: As we’re writing, Janet Yellen is telling the Senate about how overturning Roe will fuck up the economy. Republicans are not giving a shit, and Democrats are trying to find a way to surrender in a hearing. 
Note four: Gosh. Why would people lose faith in the Supreme Court? Do they at least still have faith in the Taliban? More: Yahoo News
Note five: Read this story. Republicans are coming for everything. And what are Democrats doing? Voting at warp speed to protect Ginni fucking Thomas. More: Washington Post
Note six: LOLOL. The cowardly kiss-ass Susan Collins had a freakout and called the cops because someone asked her politely in sidewalk chalk to not take away the bodily autonomy of millions. We’ll probably get a WaPo editorial telling us that chalk on sidewalks is just like Jan. 6. More: Forbes
Note seven: Speaking of the WaPo editorial board, they’re out with a hot steaming pile of shit today saying to leave justices alone at their homes. Our advice to the protesters is to start including WaPo editorial board members’ houses too. Fuck them and their ivory towers. NO LINK
Note eight: Last night on Hannity, Lindsey Graham completely lied and said that Trump called for the terrorists who attacked the Capitol to leave. But why wouldn’t Lindsey lie? Who’s going to confront him? Schumer? Chris Coons? Cory Booker? Yeah, exactly. 
Note nine: Speaking of Chris Coons, this is an actual quote from him when he was asked about filibuster reform to protect Roe. “I”m sorry. I’m out of energy. I’m out of time. I’m tired. Leave me alone.” JFC. Y’all, we might need some new fighters, y’all. More: Raw Story
Note 10: Mitch McConnnell said yesterday that he won’t break the filibuster to pass a nationwide abortion ban. The only people who believed him were Joe Manchin and Manu Raju. More: CNN
Note 11: Mark Esper thinks Trump is a threat to democracy. Nice of him to tell us now. More: Fox News
Note 12: You know how the White House is warning that 100 million Americans could get COVID this fall and winter? Well they just decoupled COVID and Ukraine funding. Yeah, we are losing like it’s our fucking job these days. More: CNBC
Note 13: It’s crazy to think that Biden has the votes and the will to help save Ukraine but not America. 
Note 14: QAnon is now patrolling our Southern border. We don’t have a joke to make here. We’re just gonna go cuss and cry. More: New York Times
Note 15: This poll shows that most Americans think both parties are equally extreme. Maybe Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi should stop talking about how fucking great Republicans are. More: Washington Post
Note 16: The Jan. 6 committee is moving closer to issuing subpoenas for Republican members of Congress. The attack was more than two years ago, and Republicans have already successfully rewritten history for millions of Americans. But yes please take your time with this decision. More: The Guardian
Note 17: CNN actually ran some bullshit about how Republican senators are shocked to see David Perdue going full MAGA on the ‘20 election results. Wait until they see the people in the mirror. They’ll be really appalled. More: CNN
Note 18: Alrighty, you super Sexy Patriots, let’s get to the news. We hope y’all are having a great start to your week. Have a good one, and if you see one of those mules, please tell them to stop stealing elections. If you see Dinesh, tell him to quit fucking donkeys.
WTF?!
Well we have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that a Democratic-led Senate sprung into action and moved at warp speed to pass some new legislation in the wake of the news that Roe is about to fall. The bad news is that they are gutless fucking cowards who voted with Republicans for more protections for Supreme Court members and their families. Yeah, the people we work for and give money to prioritized Brett fucking Kavanaugh’s wellbeing and Mitch McConnell’s bullshit over the core of their base. We are seriously so fucking mad we can’t see straight, and we’re excited to see how they let us down today. More: CNN
Normal country
In Colorado, election officials are taking active shooter training and wearing bullet-proof vests. Why? Because the Republican Party has lost its fucking shit and become a deadly threat to decent people everywhere. Are we losing our fucking minds or do other people see this happening too? More: ABC News
Seems like a big story
The father of Trevor Reed, the former Marine who was held in Russia and then released thanks to Joe Biden’s efforts, has called out Ted Cruz as an “embarrassment” who didn’t do shit to get his son out. If Cruz was a Democrat, this would be a huge story for the MSM. But he’s not, so it’s not. But we see it. More: Houston Chronicle
Today’s clips
Former President Donald Trump said he no longer has four cell phones identified by the New York attorney general’s investigation into the Trump Organization’s finances but has turned over his personal phone to be searched as he tries to convince a state judge to lift a civil contempt ruling that so far has cost him $140,000. More: CNN
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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