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Today's Big Stuff 4.26.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
It’s Tuesday. There are 197 days until the midterm elections. Trump is held in contempt and not just by us, Marjorie wanted “Marshall” law and Biden finally uses that pardon power. 
Be advised: We’re not owned by billionaire racist scumbag trash, so we can cuss and misspell as much shit as we went. 
Note: Welp, Sexy Patriots, what’s gonna suck ass today? Because yesterday saw a racist billionaire douchebag buying the world’s most utilized social media company. If you’re concerned, saddened, disappointed or just plain freaking the fuck out, then you’ve come to the right place. Hell, Sam was cuss-crying all night (He doesn’t really cry. His eyes just say “fuck” and “shit every time a tear should come out. It’s freaky as hell to watch.). 
But we’ve got some good news. Yep, we are starting our own social media service. It’s called Hammer. And basically it’s an actual fucking hammer that you just smack yourself in the face with every time you think things can’t get more fucked up than they already are. Or maybe we’ll launch Shitter. No, no, that sounds like a very bad idea. We’re just gonna launch TBSocial. You think the spelling and cussing are bad now, just wait until we put Devin Nunes’s dumb fucking ass in charge of shit. 

Ron Filipkowski 🇺🇦
Devin Nunes asked today if Trump will go back on twitter if Musk buys it: “He said he really doesn’t have an interest in going on twitter .. Twitter right now is nothing but a global PR wire .. there’s nobody there .. We have more engagement in Truth Social than they have.” 😂
LOL. Sure thing, buddy. Donald Trump told us more than 30,000 lies during his four years in office, and those were just warm-ups to the Big Lie that led to a violent attack on our country. But yeah, he’s totally not gonna come running back to Twitter the second Elon gives him the green light. Oh, Devin, we’d just feel sorry for you if you weren’t such a colossal piece of shit. 
Anyway, please remember that while many things suck devil ass these days, TBS does not. So if you don’t mind, please send it to your like-minded foul-mouthed friends, and let’s build this crazy fucker into something so big Elon will want to buy it and wreck it. 
As for twitter, well, we’re gonna stay and fight. It’s sorta like American democracy. We’re just too goddamn dumb to quit. Y’all have a great day.
Note two: Devin was on Fox this morning begging the personalities (that doesn’t sound right) to start using Truth Social. We wished for this d-bag to suffer a life of humiliation, and it has come true. 
Note three: Morning Joe had Dr. Birx on this morning to help her rehab her image after her cowardly incompetence led to the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Americans. So we’re making a new proclamation here today — Fuck Morning Joe. Seriously. It’s two Republicans who wanted Trump to marry them at Mar-a-Lago. They can fuck off.
Note four: Btw, here’s what “free speech” really means to Elon Musk. More: Associated Press
Note five: This poll from Georgia made us smile. Trump has gone all in on beating Gov. Kemp. If he loses, well, the press will still kiss his ass anyway, but we’ll sure enjoy it. More AJC
Note six: Every single time we get a batch of secret texts or emails, Sean Hannity looks like the most pathetic little shit on the planet. Like who the fuck says “yes sir” when texting with Mark fucking Meadows? What a loser. More: Washington Post
Note seven: Never forget that despite what her friends at the New York Times tell you, Ivanka is Trump trash to the very core. When terrorists were attacking our Capitol, she called them “patriots.” More: Huff Post
Note eight: Ron DeSantis just created an election police force. We’re guessing it won’t be the Villages where they concentrate most of their efforts. More: CNN
Note nine: Much like Hannity, Mitch McConnell has an ass-kissing coward problem. Every revelation shows him to be a complete chickenshit who lives in fear of Trump. More: Washington Post
Note 10: Wishing the best of luck to Cedric Richmond as he leaves the White House. More: CNN
Note 11: So now we know who House Republicans’ first impeachment will be if we let them in. More: Axios
Note 12: We freaking love Jean Smart, and this is so wonderful to see.
no context HACKS! ⏰1️⃣6️⃣DAYS
Hollywood Walk of Fame Star Ceremony for Jean Smart on April 25, 2022 in Hollywood, California
Note 13: We got a win in Kansas, where a court said nope to Republican congressional maps. More: New York Times
Note 14: Looks like a stolen Supreme Court is going to nuke the separation of church and state. More: Washington Post
Note 15: It’s Melania’s birthday. And that probably means it’s actually Michelle’s birthday and that trash stole it. 
Note 16: Kevin McCarthy has been lying to reporters nonstop this week. We know this isn’t exactly new, but this is so egregious they’re really going to look pathetic when they just go back to mindlessly repeating him. More: Washington Post
Note 17: If you ever see someone quoting jackass Mark Penn or the Harvard Harris poll, just remember these are the types of unprofessional bullshit questions they are asking.
Steve M.
Mark Penn with the dry, neutral polling language we expect from a pollster.
Note 18: Did y’all predict the Brooklyn Nets disaster? Yeah, we did too. And not just because we like rooting against anti-vaxxers. More: ESPN
Note 19: Joe Manchin is talking about a bipartisan energy bill. Fuck Joe Manchin. NO LINK
Note 20: Alrighty, Sexy Patriots, let’s haul ass on over to the news section. We hope y’all are having an awesome week. As a reminder, we’re taking off Thursday and Friday to celebrate Sam’s birthday. Yeah, he’s apparently getting so old it takes several days to celebrate now. Love y’all!
A judge in New York yesterday held Trump in civil contempt for failing to produce documents and records. And Trump has to pay $10,000 a day until he complies. It’s really hilarious until you realize some dumbshit in Indiana is going to be paying those fees with his campaign contributions because the orange man smells like white Jesus and John Wayne’s jockstrap. More: CNN
Scary and dumb
Marjorie wanted Trump to invoke martial law. But she’s fucking idiot so she texted Mark Meadows that she wanted “Marshall law.” Just because they’re dumber than dog shit doesn’t mean they can’t still be scarier than satan. Here’s the really fucked up part — that text message was sent on Jan. 17. That was 11 days after a violent coup attempt and just three days before the inauguration. Scary shit. More: Washington Post
Pardon us
It took 15 months for some reason, but Joe Biden has finally pardoned some people and commuted some sentences and none of them are criminals who helped him cover up a coordinated campaign with Russia. Nope, they are all drug cases. We love it, we’re happy to see it and we want to see way more of it. Let’s go! More: CNN
Today’s clips
Stock markets are turbulent and Morgan Stanley is warning clients the ride is about to get even bumpier. More: CNN
The Biden administration will ask the Supreme Court on Tuesday to allow it to terminate a Trump-era border policy known as “Remain in Mexico,” a case that will be a test of the White House’s ability to set immigration policy. More: CNN
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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