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Today's Big Stuff 4.25.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
It’s Monday. There are 198 days until the midterm elections. Le sigh of relief in France, waiting for Twitter to kill us all and U.S. officials visit Ukraine. 
Be advised: This newsletter uses cuss words. Yeah, it’s just a normal advisory today. Buttcheeks. 
Note: Were you fooled by the advisory today, Sexy Patriots? Of course you weren’t. Because unlike a certain orange dingus, you’re a smart person and not a complete fucking idiot who can’t remember the name of his own goddamn social media network.

Business Insider Video
Video shows Donald Trump struggling to say the name of his own social media platform, Truth Social
Yikes. Yeah, we, um, we need to make sure that deranged dumbshit doesn’t become president for life, and that seems to be the fucked up course that we’re on. But here’s today’s message from our friend Fuckface the Optimistic Asshole…
Don’t be alarmed! We’ve got a plan! 
You probably saw that in this weekend’s French elections, the exit polls showed 42 percent of Macron’s vote was cast as a vote against Le Pen. Let’s call them the Fab 42. Sorry. The Fab Fuckin’ 42. And let’s do the same goddamn thing here. Seriously. This ain’t no goddamn purity test. You telling us we can’t get 42 percent of our voters to just be scared shitless of Marjorie Taylor Gross or Venmatt Gaetz? 
So do not despair, you scrumptious freedom fighters. We’re going to build our own Frightened and Freaked 42. If we can’t get people to the polls with Hope and Change, then we’ll go with Holy Fucking Shit and Oh God No. Trump is the worst thing to ever happen to the world and one of the best things to ever happen to Democrats. So do not despair! Let’s just kick some ass and scare the hell out of people. Love y’all! 
Note two: Ugh. Fuckface is still here. 
Fuckface: Hi TBS!
TBS: Hi, Fuckface.
FF: Why are you being such huge goddamn bummers today?
TBS: We’re not. We’re just alarmed by the return of dumbshit. 
FF: Well I can certainly understand that, but check out these kids throwing eggs at those asshole truckers and you’ll feel better.
TBS: Thanks, Fuckface! 
Occupy Democrats
BREAKING (LITERALLY)! Bay Area kids pelted the unwelcome convoy truckers with eggs as adults cheered them on.
Note three: You might think the world has already moved on from Madison Cawthorn wearing lingerie. We assure you that TBS has not. Will not. Obviously we’re very classy people, so we don’t kink shame anyone. But we’re sure gonna call that miserable little fucker out for his hypocrisy. TBF, he does look kinda hot.
Note four: We’re also not moving on from the Friday night revelations that several members of the House Freedom Caucus were in on the coup planning. They’re saying the Jan. 6 hearings will be in June now. We say hurry the fuck up. More: New York Times
Note five: This is one of the scumbags leading the fascist charge in Florida. He seems super cool and not at all something the devil shat out. More: Florida Today
Note six: If you’ve already seen the new Barry, please don’t tell us what happened. We watched Winning Time and then fell asleep. 
Note seven: A lot of ugly Republican shit in Georgia this weekend. Here’s a link. More: CNN
Note eight: Orrin Hatch died. We will not be joining the other Democrats who put out bullshit statements praising him.
Donald Trump Jr.
Sorry to hear of the passing of my friend Senator Orrin Hatch. A man of great integrity who got what was going on in 2016 and became an unlikely ally & mentor, bringing some much needed perspective to a political neophyte like me.
Note nine: Kevin McCarthy was proved to be a liar last week. So were the Sunday shows a blistering attack on this creep’s treason and deceit? LOL. Of course not. He’s doing another fucking border stunt. More: Washington Post
Note 10: Treasury is looking at sanctioning Putin’s girlfriend. They were gonna do the same to Trump, but his girlfriend just talked to the Jan. 6 committee with her husband Jared. More: Wall Street Journal
Note 11: It really should be a huge fucking deal that the governor of a huge state pulled a stunt so dumb that it cost his state $4.2 billion and turned up zero illegal drugs. More:
Note 12: We just fucking can’t with this shit.
Jeremy Barr
ABC's Jonathan Karl at Common Ground event: "I think Fox's coverage of the pandemic, for much of it, was very responsible."
Note 13: So shit got really sideways in Michigan this weekend. Republicans have nominated election deniers to run elections. Yeah, it’s ok to poop yourself a little. More: Buzzfeed
Note 14: Have we mentioned lately how much we love Liz Warren? 
Rolling Stone
Elizabeth Warren torches Kevin McCarthy as "a liar and a traitor."
Note 15: Organized labor is having a moment, and we are so here for it. More: CBS News
Note 16: Utah Democrats did something interesting this weekend. They decided not to endorse a Democrat to take on Mike Lee. Instead, we’re all gonna encourage people to vote for Evan McMullin. Would he turn out to be a Romney type? Probably. But even that’s better than a Mike Lee. More: CNN
Note 17: Did you see this guy who was arrested for threatening the dictionary? Why can’t he just expose himself to wordle like a normal person? More: Mercury News
Note 18: Florida went through with that shocking attack on Disney last week. We can only hope that means they’re gonna move the cool shit out to Disneyland. More: Associated Press
Note 19: But not to be outdone, Texas remains the king state of fascist right-wing trash. More: Rolling Stone
Note 20: To the news, SPs! We love y’all so much, and we hope you had an awesome weekend. We do want to let you know that we’ll be taking off Thursday and Friday this week because Sam has a birthday and he celebrates like a child. Have a great day! 
Pepe Le Phew
Not bad, right? So the French voted overwhelmingly to re-elect Emanuel Macron to another term over Putin garbage Marine Le Pen. The vote wasn’t all that close, but like our 74 million problem, it was damn concerning to see a Putin loving nutjob win almost 42 percent of the vote. Still, a win is a win. And we got one in Slovenia too. It’s the best thing to happen to that country since Melania moved away. More: Associated Press, CNN
The world’s richest monster is about to buy Twitter. We don’t know what this means, but we do not believe it will be good. Like at all. Obviously TBS uses Twitter products to make our newsletter, and we’ll be watching to see what happens. But if we have to jump ship and go to another social media site, we’ll be sure to let you know so you can meet us there. More: CNN
Hell yeah
Secretary of State Tony Blinken and SecDef Lloyd Austin visited President Zelensky in Ukraine over the weekend. It was a strong show of support, and we’re damn glad to see it. Do we wish Biden had gone too? Of course, but this is a big damn step. So is reopening diplomatic missions there. More: NBC News
Today’s clips
On Monday, the US Supreme Court will take up Kennedy’s appeal in the latest religious liberty case to come before the justices. So far, the court’s conservative majority has been moving to expand protections for religious believers. More: CNN
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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