Today's Big Stuff 4.21.22

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Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
4.21.22
It’s Thursday. There are 202 days until the midterm elections. Mitch and Kevin are the cowards we thought they were, Trump has to pay Omarosa and Mike Lee tries — and fails — to defend himself. 
Be advised: We say the f-word a lot. And we don’t mean fraggle. 
Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How the heck are you today? Glad the weekend is almost over? Yeah, us too. Or we would be normally. And as you know, normally waved the hell goodbye a long time ago. So instead we’re counting down the hours until dumb-ageddon. 
What’s that, TBS, you hot sonsofbitches? Why thank you. Dumb-ageddon is like this — Remember in comic book and scifi movies how the moons or different planets align every few billion years and when they do it creates a singularity and allows for all kinds of fucked up mischief and mayhem. Well this is like that, but instead of planets, it’s just all kinds of stupid lining up to release even more stupid. The first “planet” was that stupid thing with the plane and the parachuters and the Capitol. This was the second “planet” we saw align yesterday.

New York Post
Trump walks out of explosive Piers Morgan interview after being pressed on 2020 election https://t.co/1DtLWzm7Uq https://t.co/iODHPDjDTm
Yeah, we knew we were in trouble then. And we watched as the other stupid planets fell in line, trembling as we worried what kind of horrifying dumbfuck monster would be unleashed by this ancient celestial curse. And then he took off his mask…
andrew kaczynski
Rudy Giuliani sings "Bad to the Bone" on Masked Singer as host @kenjeong leaves saying, "I'm done." https://t.co/nPmcTBye4m
Yeah, fuck that monster piece of shit. And fuck Fox for doing this stupid crap. The stupid is definitely aligned, and it married its cousin and poops out of its face. Gross.
Note two: Ron DeSantis has now gone after college professors. So Florida is basically just Hungary now with better weather. TampaBay.com
Note three: President Obama is giving a speech at Stanford today about fighting misinformation. This is a fight Democrats need to we waging, and it’s good to see a heavyweight get involved. More: New York Times
Note four: So there’s been a change of leadership at the NYT, and it’s a pretty lateral move. Dean Baquet, the guy who turned the NYT political desk into Politico, is stepping down and the son of the guy who started Staples is taking over. We don’t know about y’all, but to us this looks like a guy who’s going to spend some time in diners trying to figure out what real Americans think.
Note five: This story only took weeks of ignoring attacks on the LGBTQ community and anyone who supports them. More: Washington Post
Note six: Hold up. What’s that? It’s more good economic news. The number of Americans collecting unemployment fell to its lowest level in more than 50 years last week. More: Associated Press
Note seven: Have we mentioned how awestruck we are by the toughness — and unmatched trolling — of Ukraine? They’ve sold 700,000 of those stamps celebrating the sinking of the Moskva. Amazing. More: Washington Post
Note eight: This is an important story. Remember how that Texas asshole who was investigating the election pulled over an HVAC repairman at gunpoint because he thought he was transporting votes or some stupid shit? Well the rich asshole who was funding the not real investigation was indicted on two felony charges yesterday. About goddamn time. More: NBC News
Note nine: It has been so inspiring to see Michigan Sen. Mallory McMorrow earn some well-deserved attention for her courage in standing up to Republican trash. More: Detroit News
Note 10: So Delta is the scummy red hat of airlines. More: Reuters
Note 11: So we recommend you read every word of this because the people coming for us are being pretty open about coming for us. JD Vance is actually calling for seizing “the institutions of the left” and a “de-woke-ification program.” This is chilling shit, y’all. More: Vanity Fair
Note 12: Here’s what Raskin is saying about the Jan. 6 hearings. We like the guy, but we’re pretty sick of talking about this shit and we are damn eager to get to the consequences stage. More: Reuters
Note 13: Well here’s some good news on the midterms front. Thanks to y’all and people like you (though probably not as sexy as you) Democrats are actually doing pretty well in fundraising. More: Axios
Note 14: You know that dude who is investigating the 2020 Wisconsin election? Yeah, the one who was hanging out at Mar-a-Lago recently and wants to throw mayors in jail? Well he’s been deleting records in his investigation. Seems totally cool, right? More: Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
Note 15: So Florida says it won’t use math books that have critical race theory, but it won’t show us the books. Now we learn that Glenn Youngkin’s old company has a monopoly on selling math books to Florida because of the new no-CRT law. What a huge fucking coincidence. More: Tallahassee.com
Note 16: LOL. Republican donors continue to pay for Trump’s lawyers. What a shitty cult. More: Forbes
Note 17: So DOJ is gonna appeal the mask ruling, but it sure seems like it’s gone. Sigh. Please get your boosters and be safe out there. More: NPR
Note 18: Trump’s lawsuit against Hillary is going about like you thought it would. More: Law and Crime
Note 19: Wanna feel old? Iggy Pop is 75 today. Still got a lust for life though. More: YouTube
Note 20: And that seems like a good place to stop and get to the news. If you’re in the vicinity of face-crapping cousin-banging monster who was unleashed by the singularity of stupid, please take cover now. We love y’all, and we hope you’re having a great week. 
Wimps
We learned this morning from yet another book that NYT reporters wrote and withheld information for that both Kevin McCarthy and Mitch McConnell were talking super tough about Trump in the days after Jan. 6. McCarthy said he was going to tell Trump to resign, and McConnell said, “The Democrats are going to take care of the son of a bitch for us.” Then they both peed themselves and did everything they could to undermine the investigations. Seems like information we could’ve used before now, right? More: New York Times
LOL
Sometimes we forget how fucking dumb some of the Trump years were. Like it’s amazing how often we forget that Omarosa is a person. We got reminded yesterday though when a court arbitrator said Trump has to pay her $1.3 million in legal fees. LOLOL. Team Orange will probably appeal and clog up the courts and delay just like he always does, but we still got a laugh out of this. More: CNN
Where’s Schumer?
So the press shocked the hell out of us and actually kept pressing Mike Lee in his role in the attempted coup. He says he didn’t do anything wrong, and Mark Meadows knows him well enough to know that he wasn’t actually offering to do Trump’s bidding when he texted tell me what to say. That might seem like a pathetic and stupid explanation, but it worked on Mitt Romney. Hey btw, has anyone seen Chuck Schumer? Or Merrick Garland? More: Deseret.com
Today’s clips
The feud between Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis and the Walt Disney Company continued to simmer Wednesday, as the GOP-led legislature moved closer to dissolving the entertainment giant’s special tax status. More: Washington Post
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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