Today's Big Stuff 11.9.22

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Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
11.9.22
It’s Wednesday. There are 727 days until the presidential election. Trump has a bad night, abortion rights have a good night and Fettermannnnnnnn!!!!!!!
Be advised: This newsletter occasionally uses profanity. So get ready to read phrases like “Holy fucking shit,” “Fuck yeah!” and “Eat Shit, You Red Wave Ass Faces.”
Note: Sexy Patriots!!! Y’all care if we just geek out for a moment TBS-style? HOLY FUCKING SHIT HOLY FUCKING SHIT HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! FUCK YOUR RED WAVE BULLSHIT!!!! You fucking did it, Sexy Patriots. You stepped the fuck up and once again gave us oodles and oodles of hope for this fucked up country. From the bottom of our weeping hearts, THANK YOU!!!
Ok, so it wasn’t perfect. We’re still gonna lose the House, and we’re waiting to see what the Senate is going to look like, but holy fucking shit, considering the massive fucking boulders the universe kept throwing in our way, these results are nothing short of a goddamn glorious miracle. . 
There was a moment last night when talking slime trail Lindsey Graham did something completely out of character and spoke the truth that we were all afraid to admit. Take it away, Lindz…

The Recount
Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC): “Definitely not a Republican wave, that’s for darn sure.” https://t.co/dZrlU5u65r
There will be lots of hot takes, and we will do our best to ignore every last bit of that shit. Here’s the only hot fucking take you need — DON’T FUCKING TAKE BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS AWAY FROM WOMEN AND STOP MAKING OUR KIDS TARGET PRACTICE FOR PYSCHOS. Oh, and while we’re handing out free advice for Republicans, here’s some more — stop being QAnon freaks, stop being tinfoil hat nutjobs and stop being pathetic kiss-asses to a dangerous gameshow host who attacked the Capitol. 
It’s a good day, Sexy Patriots. And you bad mofos are the ones who made it that way. Now let’s dance! 
Note two: There were some tough losses last night. Stacey, Tim Ryan, Cheri Beasley, Val, Beto. Y’all ran great races that you can be proud of, and you made us proud to be Democrats. 
Note three: We had a Blue Wave in Michigan. The badass women leadership all won, and we took the statehouse and state senate. Trump ain’t stealing Michigan. Minnesota also took the state senate…we see you, MN!
Note four: Congratulations to Wes Moore, the first Black governor of Maryland and third in the history of the nation. We fucked this up yesterday and were pissed off about it all day. Our sincerest apologies. 
Note five: Wanna see what a good night for democracy looks like?
Vaughn Hillyard
Tonight, the GOP GOVERNOR Candidates Who Refused To Say If They'd Have Certified Biden's 2020 Win In Their States:

❔Kari Lake, Arizona
❌ Tim Michels, Wisconsin
❌ Tudor Dixon, Michigan
❌ Doug Mastriano, PA
❌ Darren Bailey, Illinois
❌ Dan Cox, Maryland
❌ Lee Zeldin, NY
Note six: Big congrats to New York’s Kathy Hochul who gave us a scare but handily beat back Trump fanboy Lee Zeldin. More: Bronx News 12
Note seven: Remember that asshole in North Carolina who wanted a panel to decide if a rape victim could get an abortion? Yeah, he lost. Thanks to Wiley Nickel for teaching that asshole a lesson. More: New Republic
Note eight: No, we don’t know what the fuck to say about Florida. Except maybe we should start seeing it for what it is — Alabama. 
Note nine: Sarah Palin lost. We really need a shortcut key on our laptop for that. Oh we find out. It’s F-Her. 
Note 10: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Lot of ketchup on the walls down at Trump’s South Florida orgy palace…
Jim Acosta
“Trump is livid” and “screaming at everyone,” after last night’s disappointing midterm results for GOP, according to a Trump adviser. The adviser went on to slam the former president’s handpicked contenders: “they were all bad candidates.” “Candidates matter,” the adviser said.
Note 11: So when is Trump getting indicted?
Note 12: Congrats to Maxwell Frost, the first Gen Z member of Congress! The yutes saved us last night. They’re sick of being shot at and watching their planet burn. We should listen to them. More: NBC News
Note 13: Congrats to Maura Healey, who we believe is the first lesbian to be elected governor. If we’re wrong, send all emails to Sam who takes criticism very well. More: CBS News
Note 14: On some really sad news, Brittney Griner has been transferred to a penal colony. This is truly horrible, and we hope the White House is doing everything possible to get her out of there and home safely. More: CNN
Note 15: Vermont made some history last night…
Michael Li 李之樸
History as Vermont sends its first woman to Congress - and an openly gay woman at that. https://t.co/z9aCK4arX0
Note 16: HOLY FUCKING SHIT IS LAUREN BOEBERT GONNA LOSE?! She’s down 2 points with 90 percent reporting, but it might be a little while before we know for sure. Maybe it’s a bad strategy to be a fucking moron. More: CPR
Note 17: Literally the only reason Republicans are going to win the House is because of gerrymandering and the help they got from a corrupt Supreme Court. Man that’s fucked up. 
Note 18: Some more good news, Speaker Pelosi told NewsHour that her husband is “making progress” in his recovery. Love to the Pelosis. 
Note 19: So we’re still waiting on the Senate. If you pray, pray for Mark Kelly, Catherine Cortez Masto and Rev. Warnock to bring their races home. With Warnock, it looks like we’re headed to a run-off in four weeks. So that’ll be fun. 
Note 20: Ok, you gorgeous beautiful smoking hot Sexy Patriots, let’s go do some news. Holy fucking shit what a night. We love y’all so much, and we’re so fucking grateful to you for all your hard work and dedication. If you want to see an American hero today, just look in the goddamn mirror. LOVE Y’ALL!!!!
Fight! Fight! Fight!
So yesterday Trump threatened DeSantis that if he ran he would spill the beans on the Florida governor. It make it kinda hilarious knowing that Ron won re-election last night and then probably cried himself to sleep. That said, there are a lot of big voices over in crazy town who are blaming the orange god for the lack of a red wave. The New York Post even ran a cover today with a picture of DeSantis calling him “De Future.” Trump will probably really like that. Lol. More: CNN
Choice wins
So when abortion rights are decided by the American people and not a corrupt Supreme Court, abortion rights are undefeated. Following the big win in Kansas a few months back, voters in California, Michigan, Vermont, Montana and Kentucky all either voted to enshrine abortion rights or voted against enshrining bans. This is a big fucking deal. KENTUCKY?! Seriously, Republicans, if you learn one thing from all of this make it that you don’t fuck with women. More: The Hill
Keystone goodness
There were so many great wins last night, but John Fetterman winning Pennsylvania had us in tears. Enormous congratulations to the big guy and his team. Oz called to concede this morning and then he went and drank some pee. The beltway press corps should really reflect on their cruelty while covering this race, but we doubt that will happen. Thank you, Big John. For your courage, for your resole and for kicking that fake doctor’s ass all over Pennsylvania. 
Today’s clips
Voters in three states approved ballot measures that will change their state constitutions to prohibit slavery and involuntary servitude as punishment for crime, while those in a fourth state rejected the move. The measures approved Tuesday curtail the use of prison labor in Alabama, Tennessee and Vermont. In Oregon, “yes” was leading its anti-slavery ballot initiative, but the vote remained too early to call Wednesday morning. More: Huff Post
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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