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Today's Big Stuff 11.8.22 ELECTION DAY EDITION

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
It’s Tuesday. It’s Election Day. VOTE VOTE VOTE!!! We spend way too much on elections, the Speaker speaks and a word of thanks. 
Be advised: This newsletter is more cussing than newsletter today. 
Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s here! It’s Election Day! But if you didn’t already know that, then we have really fucked up. How are y’all doing today? Yeah, us too. That’s why we have a surprise for you today. Some of y’all might have noticed that after everyone started talking about twitter’s blue bird and how it is dying an ugly death from an asshole who posts nazi pictures, we started talking about the TBS Naughty Eagle. Well, it wasn’t just talk. Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to “Easy” Eddie Ticklefeather the TBS Naughty Eagle…

“Easy” Eddie Ticklefeather the TBS Naughty Eagle
“Easy” Eddie Ticklefeather the TBS Naughty Eagle
TBS: Welcome, Mr. Ticklefeather, thanks so much for joining us today. 
EE: Please please. My father was Mr. Ticklefeather. Just call me Easy Eddie. 
TBS: Um ok. Is that because keeping a democracy isn’t easy?
EE: No. No it is not 
(Long awkward pause)
TBS: So can you tell these good Sexy Patriots why you’ll make such a great TBS Naughty Eagle?
EE: Well, I’ll tell ya. It’s because I love American democracy and the people who make it work more than I love a hot tub key party. 
TBS: Wow. That seems like a lot. 
EE: You bet your sweet fine asses it is. 
TBS: Um ok, do you have any messages today for the Sexy Patriots?
EE: Yes I do. Vote like your life depends on it. Then swing by later and check out my waterbed.
TBS: Yikes. We might need a different mascot.
Note two: Big thanks to Kyle Shivers who does all the cool graphics here and who did not quit in disgust when we asked him to come up with something for a naughty eagle. 
Note three: We’re gonna put on our serious faces for a minute now — So hopefully you’ve either already voted or you’re on your way and you’ve got a dozen like-minded people with you. Now that you have, prepare yourself for how tonight is gonna go down. Republicans will go up early. In-person voting will be reported first and mail-in will come in later. It’s called the red mirage but we’re not fucking calling it that. We already know Republicans are planning to use this time to claim victory like Trump planned to do in 2020 until Fox called Arizona for Biden. But in this country, we count all the votes. And it really pisses off the Republicans. So just buckle up because this is how America is now that it’s all orange and shit. So take deep breaths, unplug from time to time, be good to yourself and remember that no matter what happens we’ll be back here tomorrow morning cussing like some crazy motherfuckers. There’s no question these are scary times. And we have been through some seriously heinous bullshit lo these last few years. But we’ve gotten through it. Together. And tomorrow we’ll either celebrate together or be pissed off together. We think it’s gonna be a celebration, but shit is stupid now and nobody knows what’s gonna happen. Have a good day, Sexy Patriots. More: Huff Post
Note four: Just a reminder that right now there are Trump supporters on trial for seditious conspiracy. Hard to believe that just two years ago Republicans lost an election and then launched a violent attack on the United States Capitol. Even harder to believe so many Americans just flat out don’t give a shit about it.
Note five: LOLOL. We’re gonna miss dunking on “Dr.” Oz the Pee Drinker.
Kevin M. Kruse
On Monday Night Football here, an ad with the tag “Oprah doesn’t trust Oz — why should you?” just ran right before an Oz ad. Brutal.
Note six: Katy Perry voted for Republican Rick Caruso. So did Chris Pratt. We no longer like either of them. Rich assholes gonna rich asshole we suppose. NO LINK
Note seven: We just found out we did not win the Powerball. We shall now finish the newsletter. 
Buy Sam and Adam a cup of coffee!
Buy Sam and Adam a cup of coffee!
Note eight: Trump keeps talking about journalists getting raped in prison to reveal their sources. Last night he called Speaker Pelosi “an animal.” This is scary shit, and you’d think journalists would give a fuck. More: Rolling Stone
Note nine: We will say that we chuckled when we learned that Trump is looking to announce his re-election bid on the same day Pence’s book comes out. Keep kissing his ass, Mikey. It’s going great for you, buddy. 
Note 10: Want to see something hilarious? 
philip lewis
Sen. Ted Cruz showered with boos at the Houston Astros' World Series parade
Note 11: Now someone threw a White Claw at Cancun Cruz and he and his buddies have been whining about it nonstop. But it seems like he could’ve easily caught it and drank it the way the players did. Or maybe he could’ve kept his wimp ass at home since he doesn’t actually play baseball and sure as fuck didn’t win the World Series. 
Note 12: It’s not a high-on-the-radar race, but in Maryland, Democrat Wes Moore is looking like he’ll be elected as the first Black governor in America. You read that right. The first Black governor in the whole country. We’re very excited for Mr. Moore, and very embarrassed for America. More: NPR
Note 14: So Cougar or no Cougar, John Mellencamp is kinda fucking awesome. More: Variety
Note 15: Yesterday Elon MousePeen tweeted out a Nazi photo and an endorsement of the Republican Party. So let’s just check in and see how Tesla is doing…
(((Howard Forman))) (sarcasm/parody)
Tesla falling today even without additional sophomoric tweets.
Note 16: The good news — Justice Jackson has issued her first opinion as a Supreme Court justice. The bad news — it was in a dissent. More: CNN
Note 17: A judge blocked a rural county from trying to hand-count the ballots. The judge also told them to stop shitting in buckets. More: Axios
Note 18: It is insanely fucked up the way Ron DeSantis has done everything he can to scare Black Floridians from voting, and the beltway media just doesn’t give a good goddamn. More:
Note 20: And on that note, let’s get to the news and then the long tedious wait. Hang in there today, SPs. We know this shit is intense, but be like Easy Eddie and have faith. Actually, don’t be like Easy Eddie. That dude seems a little suspect. Love y’all!
Holy shit!
It’s official that Americans spend too much money on elections. Now it’s not like we overpaid for a social media platform that we’re wrecking, but it’s still insanely fucked up. And as long as there’s this much money in politics, there’s gonna be a shitload of corruption. 
Jonathan Tamari
PAs Senate race ended up being the most expensive in the country - by a distance:
PA: $312m
GA: $255m
AZ: $202m
NV: $187m

Via OpenSecrets, counting candidate and outside group spending in the general election only (correcting from previous tweets):
Real courage
Speaker Pelosi gave her first interview since the attack on her husband, and it was as emotional as you’d expect. The speaker condemned those who have been mocking and lying about the attack, and she talked about how bad that is for the country. As usual, she was a picture of grace under the shittiest of circumstances. More: Axios
Thank you
So y’all know how we love to get all mushy, and we weren’t gonna let today’s TBS end without saying a big thank you to each and every one of you. Thank you for knocking on doors, giving money, making calls, tweeting at assholes, sending us emails and just generally being awesome. We consider ourselves damn lucky to write this newsletter every day for you, and we are equally grateful to be in this fight with you. Please be good to yourselves today, and we’ll see you back here tomorrow. We love you, Sexy Patriots.
Today’s clips
The effects of climate change in the United States are already “far-reaching” and getting worse, but there remains hope that a rapid transition to a net zero economy can stave off the worst impacts of a warmer world, according to a sweeping new report. More: Huff Post
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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