Today's Big Stuff 11.7.22





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Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
It’s Monday. ELECTION DAY IS TOMORROW!!! Laughing at a broken billionaire, McCarthy wants to put Marjorie Taylor Gross on oversight and the Russians admit they’re helping Republicans.  
Be advised: We were gonna ask you to pardon our french. But we don’t speak french. We do cuss like some motherfuckers though.
Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! How the hell are you holding up? What’s that? You’re not holding up? You’re fired up? Oh sorry. FIRED UP!!!! Well fuck yeah! That’s how we’re rolling into this crucial Monday too. These next 48 hours to two years are gonna be pretty intense and pretty nuts, so we wanted to put together a little guide to help you deal with some of the people you might encounter in these tense times. So here are a few handy phrases to help you out…
Pollster — Kiss my ass
Pundit — Go kiss that pollster’s ass
Exit pollsters: Kiss a magic goat’s ass
Republicans — Go kiss Trump’s ass
Undecided voters — Kiss our asses, no wait don’t, we love you
Defeatist Democrats — Go jump up your own ass and cry there
Election deniers — Kiss America’s ass, eat shit and then go fuck yourself 
It’s important to remember that no one knows anything, and the people pretending like they do are completely full of shit. The only thing we do know is that we’re on the side of goodness and sexiness and real patriotism, and we know that because of you awesome mofos. 
So to hell with everyone who’s not a voter or a poll-worker, and let’s bring this motherfucker home tomorrow. We’re so goddamn grateful to be with you, SPs. Thanks for keeping us sane-ish, and thanks for fighting for this country. We love y’all. 
Note two: WHO’S READY TO VOTE?!!! If you haven’t early voted, do you have a plan? Who are you taking with you? How big is your van? Can you fit a couple more? Wait. Why are the windows blacked out? Oh dear lord…
Note three: Remember that the “I Voted” sticker is a middle finger to fascism. 
Note four: In case you need a reminder of the sick degenerate toad taint licking scum that we’re up against…

Aaron Rupar
"By the way, how is she doing lately?" -- Trump on Nancy Pelosi
Note five: The whole world is laughing at Elon Musk. Well the whole world except his army of incel losers also known as the Republican Party. And we’re laughing at them too. More: CNBC
Note six: Seriously, apartheid asshat, free Kathy Griffin! More: CNN
Note seven: I have a big smelly butt that stinks and I like to smell my own butt. Sincerely, Elon Musk 
Note eight: So there’s a Blood Moon tomorrow night. We’re choosing to believe that’s a good sign. Or a harbinger of the end of all life here on earth. But no, definitely a good sign. More: The Guardian
Note nine: This scum in Wisconsin is literally trying to stop military votes from being counted. Even for a Republican, that’s some fucked up shit. More: Axios
Note 10: It’s the year 2030 and Sen. Herschel Walker has caused an international incident by trying to abort the Martians who just landed bringing peace. Let’s not let that happen, ok? 
Ron Filipkowski 🇺🇦
Herschel: “If you’re a Martian and you live in the United States of America, I’m gonna protect you, too. Because you belong to my family.”
Buy Sam and Adam a cup of coffee!
Buy Sam and Adam a cup of coffee!
Note 11: Susan Collins defended “Dr.” Oz on abortion. Congrats to a Washington press corps that spent decades calling that trash pro-choice. Bangor Daily News
Note 12: Republicans are already trying to have thousands of mail ballots thrown out in battleground states. The story is paywalled and gutless so you’re not missing anything, but the attack from Republicans is very real. More: Washington Post
Note 13: Nikki Haley said that Rev. Warnock should be deported. Yes, she really said that. Yes, she is the fucking worst. More: WKRG
Note 14: This made us lol.
Rep. Malcolm Kenyatta
“Doug Mastriano dressed up as a Confederate solider and it wasn’t even Halloween. It was like casual Friday or something.” @BarackObama

Note 15: If you’ve volunteered to be an election worker, we just want to tell you how fucking grateful we are. It’s always been a really cool thing to do. But now it’s also a brave thing to do, and we salute your courage as well as your love of this country. 
Note 16: What? We’re allowed to have a serious note every once in a while.
Note 17: We love this ad from Sen. Catherine Cortez Masto where she points out that her Republican opponent’s family hates him and endorsed her. It really should be more of a sign to voters when the people who know these assholes best won’t vote for them. More: NBC News
Note 18: Ron DeSantimonious? Really? We’d say Trump has lost it, but that orange dumbfuck ship sailed and sank long ago. More: Orlando Sentinel
Note 19: Want to see something awesome that has nothing to do with politics but will make you smile? We thought so…
Rolling Stone
"I’m a rock star now!" Dolly Parton said. "Back when they said they were going to induct me into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, I didn’t really think that I’d done enough to deserve that...but this is a very, very special night for me."
Note 20: And on that lovely note, let’s get to the news section. But first, a quick thank you. We built this newsletter to help ourselves and other people cope with the endless shitshow that Trumpism flushed upon this country. At super stressful times like these, we’re really fucking glad we did. Thanks for being in this foxhole with us, SPs. Have a blessed day. 
Fuck Elon
So this post was gonna be about how Elon is a fucking loser who can’t handle people making fun of him. But then that miserable piece of shit announced that everyone should vote Republican, and now it’s a post about how Elon can fuck all the way off. Look dude, we get that you’re a racist rich asshole who hates women. But don’t be such a fucking cliche. Anyway, twitter is now a tool of the Republican Party just like Fox News and the New York Times. We are sprinting toward a future where Today’s Big Stuff is the only real and independent news organization out there, and we are most definitely not a real news organization. More: Reuters
Why do we have to give it all we’ve got these next two days? Because Marjorie Taylor Batshit Fucking Crazy wants on the House Oversight Committee, and apparently scumnuts Kevin McCarthy is cool with it. Yes, this shit is scary. That’s why we’re gonna turn the fuck out and stop it from happening. More: Market Watch
They’re back
There were reports over the weekend that US intelligence was seeing Russian interference on behalf of Republican candidates in the major swing states. And then the fuckers just came out and admitted it. So yeah, add those sick fucks to the long list of people we’re about to piss off by winning tomorrow. LET’S DO THIS, SEXY PATRIOTS!!!
Julia Davis
Meanwhile in Russia: Putin's crony Yevgeny Prigozhin about U.S. elections: "We have interfered, we're interfering and we will continue to interfere. Carefully, precisely, surgically and in our own way; we know how to do it."
Today’s clips
Rep. Jim Clyburn (D-S.C.) on Sunday defended his warnings about the existential threats to U.S. democracy, drawing similarities to the rise of the Nazis in Germany, and urged voters to reject election deniers in Tuesday’s midterm elections. More: Huff Post
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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