It’s Monday. ELECTION DAY IS TOMORROW!!! Laughing at a broken billionaire, McCarthy wants to put Marjorie Taylor Gross on oversight and the Russians admit they’re helping Republicans.
Be advised: We were gonna ask you to pardon our french. But we don’t speak french. We do cuss like some motherfuckers though.
Note: Hey there, Sexy Patriots! How the hell are you holding up? What’s that? You’re not holding up? You’re fired up? Oh sorry. FIRED UP!!!! Well fuck yeah! That’s how we’re rolling into this crucial Monday too. These next 48 hours to two years are gonna be pretty intense and pretty nuts, so we wanted to put together a little guide to help you deal with some of the people you might encounter in these tense times. So here are a few handy phrases to help you out…
Pollster — Kiss my ass
Pundit — Go kiss that pollster’s ass
Exit pollsters: Kiss a magic goat’s ass
Republicans — Go kiss Trump’s ass
Undecided voters — Kiss our asses, no wait don’t, we love you
Defeatist Democrats — Go jump up your own ass and cry there
Election deniers — Kiss America’s ass, eat shit and then go fuck yourself
It’s important to remember that no one knows anything, and the people pretending like they do are completely full of shit. The only thing we do know is that we’re on the side of goodness and sexiness and real patriotism, and we know that because of you awesome mofos.
So to hell with everyone who’s not a voter or a poll-worker, and let’s bring this motherfucker home tomorrow. We’re so goddamn grateful to be with you, SPs. Thanks for keeping us sane-ish, and thanks for fighting for this country. We love y’all.
Note two: WHO’S READY TO VOTE?!!! If you haven’t early voted, do you have a plan? Who are you taking with you? How big is your van? Can you fit a couple more? Wait. Why are the windows blacked out? Oh dear lord…
Note three: Remember that the “I Voted” sticker is a middle finger to fascism.
Note four: In case you need a reminder of the sick degenerate toad taint licking scum that we’re up against…