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Today's Big Stuff 11.2.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
11.2.22
It’s Wednesday. There are six days until Election Day! SCOTUS leaves Lindsey hanging, Paul Pelosi’s attacker is exactly what you thought he was and a judge steps in to protect voters from armed Republicans. 
Be advised: This newsletter is cussing more than usual, which we honestly didn’t even think was fucking possible. 
Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots! How’s the world treating you today? That good, huh? Well we’ve got a question for you — what has 210,000 thumbs and is about to save America again? YOU! Yeah, we’re guessing on the thumb number. We just doubled the rounded down subscriber number. It might not have been worth it considering how long this explanation is taking and for some reason it’s kinda unsettling thinking about all those thumbs. If they were big toes, we would’ve already ralphed. 
But we digress! The point is that America is ready to turn to its secret weapon, and that secret weapon is you. Yes, you, you sexy mofo. This is your time to shine. You know what stops fascism? You. You know what stops Trumpism? You. You know who looks sexy as hell saving this country from the forces of dumbfuckery? You, of course.
Now we’re not trying to blow smoke. We’re just damn happy to be on the same team as y’all. Seriously. We are up against some truly sick and evil shitheads and this battle is raging. And every once in a while, we look to our left and to our right and we see the people standing next to us and we’re reminded of why we’re standing here in the first place. And we just want y’all to know we’re grateful to be in this fight with you. 
If you’re looking for hope, look to the person standing next to you. If you’re looking for a fighter, look in the mirror. If you’re looking for a gaping baboon anus, look at “Dr.” Oz. We’ve got six days left. Let’s make them count. 
Note two: Well no, we suppose there is no reason you’d be looking for a gaping baboon anus. But you never know. Y’all have a blessed day. 
Note three: Did y’all see Tim Ryan give Jinglebells Dickface (JD) Vance a wedgie last night? It was a verbal one, but we bet his butt crack still hurts. 

Tim Ryan
JD Vance wants a national abortion ban and called rape "inconvenient." He can't be trusted to represent Ohio.

https://t.co/qv5flvw2vL
Note four: We will never miss JD. But we will miss those jokes about how his real name is Jellybean Diddlenuggets. Or was it Jumping Doodiesniffer? Jockitch Dogshiteater? 
Note five: The University of Florida made it official they’re hiring Ben Sasse. First time we’ve ever seen a gator eat its own tail, shit it out and then eat the shitted out tail. More: Gainesville.com
Note six: Did y’all watch that documentary on Hulu about Jerry Falwell and the Pool Boy? Fucking crazy, right?!
Note seven: Say this for Liz Cheney — she has put her money where her mouth is, and she is campaigning for Democrats when it matters. It’s not in our nature to say nice things about Republicans, but what she’s doing right now doesn’t suck. Sorry. That’s the best we can do. More: CNN
Note eight: The thing about fascism is it forces ordinary people to become heroes. Thank you to Officer Sicknick’s mom for her courage. 
The Republican Accountability Project
"My son died because of people like Kari Lake."

Watch this powerful testimony from Gladys Sicknick, mother of the Capitol Police officer who died after January 6.

NEW from Republican Accountability PAC: https://t.co/2n0FgeEdnb
Note nine: And thank you, Officer Fanone, for speaking truth TBS-style…
Justin Baragona
Michael Fanone, reacting to Brian Sicknick's mom doing an anti-Kari Lake political ad:

"And, you know, I also support the fact that Kari Lake's a piece of shit, so I'm glad she did that ad." https://t.co/8tTN8zgp6b
Note 10: Have you voted yet? What’s your plan? How about your cool friends and cool family members? Have you stopped reading TBS because this part is getting annoying as hell?
Note 11: You won’t be shocked to learn that the birther scumbag who launched an attack on the US Capitol is also now pushing despicable conspiracy bullshit about Paul Pelosi. More: Huff Post
Note 12: Wait a second. THESE MOTHERFUCKERS TRIED TO OVERTHROW THE US AND THEN THEY WENT TO FUCKING OLIVE GARDEN?! Makes us sick knowing those miserable taint licks were eating unlimited breadsticks while bragging about an assault on the US. Let’s hope they’ve been banned. More: CNN
Note 13: BTW, it’s pretty astonishing these assholes are on trial for seditious conspiracy six days before the election and it’s hardly a story. Hell, we’ve barely even talked about it. Truly fucked up shit. We’ll do better. 
Note 14: The guy who’s running to be governor of Wisconsin says Republicans will never lose another election if he’s elected governor. No, he seriously said that. 
American Bridge 21st Century
GOP #WIGov nominee Tim @MichelsForGov said the quiet part out loud: "Republicans will never lose another election in Wisconsin after I'm elected governor."

Democracy is on the line in Wisconsin. Michels must be stopped. https://t.co/hIYyCNEADH
Note 15: The Capitol police are asking for more resources. They also didn’t see the live video of the attack on the Pelosis’ house until the next morning. We have a lot of respect for the Capitol police. We’re not sure more money is the issue here. More: HuffPost
Note 16: Goddamnit. Another brilliant young musician cut down in his prime. This has been happening for decades now. Is enough ever gonna be enough? More: CNN
Note 17: Elon wants us to pay $8 a month for our blue checks. He can kiss $8 of our ass. We’d rather set that money on fire. 
Note 18: Did y’all see Biden in Florida yesterday? He was the guy ripping Rick Scott a new asshole. 
Aaron Rupar
"Hot damn, boy" -- Biden in Florida reads holds up Rick Scott's GOP plan and reads the part that could gut Social Security and Medicare https://t.co/pIfC2YWXlV
Note 19: Let’s close today on a hilarious note. On Fox this morning, Herschel Walker said he would put his resume up against President Barack Obama’s any day. In his defense, Walker has a badge that says he’s president of Chuck E. Cheese, so maybe he’s onto something. NO LINK 
Note 20: Ok, you beautiful beautiful lovers of liberty, let’s do some news! Also, was “gaping baboon anus” too much? No, right? Ok cool. Love y’all!
LOLindsey
Everyone’s favorite fascist doofus had an embarrassing setback yesterday. Lindsey Graham, who flushed a whole chunk of his soul down the shitter getting three Republican monsters added to the Supreme Court, did not get any love from said monsters as they declined to protect him from a Georgia grand jury. We can’t confirm the reports that Lindsey pissed and shit himself and then screamed “I THOUGHT BRETT WAS MY FRIEND!” before crying himself to sleep in his own urine and poo. More: CNN
Terrifying
So yesterday we found out the story behind the man who attacked Paul Pelosi while looking to harm the Speaker of the House. We won’t be using his name here, but he’s exactly what you thought he was. The person who has worked most closely with him over the past few years said he is a total QAnon Pizzagate MAGA freakshow and all we can say is no fucking shit. He was apparently planning a “suicide mission” and planning to hurt other Democratic politicians. This whole thing has been really scary. Both what happened and the way Republicans responded to it. More: New York Times
Arizona
While Kari Lake campaigns as an absolute psycho who by the way is still hoping to overturn Obamacare, a federal judge finally stepped in and did something about the armed assholes trying to scare people away from ballot boxes. Yeah, the fuckheads are no longer allowed to get within 75 feet of a drop box, can’t yell at voters, can’t follow voters and can’t brandish a gun within 250 feet. We are seriously such a fucked up country. More: Huff Post, CNN
Today’s clips
With days to go before the midterm elections, a funny thing is happening with GOP congressional candidates in Oregon: They’re pretending they’re moderate, reasonable people after months of fueling election conspiracies in plain sight. More: Huff Post
The Fed is likely to trigger another historic interest rate hike and, about a half-mile away at the White House, Biden will host an event to highlight the administration’s extensive efforts to expand the workforce in critical fields like broadband and construction. One policy decision is expected to ripple through markets, media and politics alike, turning a spotlight directly onto an issue that Democratic officials say has wrought significant damage to their political prospects. The other will detail an intensive administration effort designed to reshape the pipeline to enter into professions over time. More: CNN
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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