Today's Big Stuff 11.16.22

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Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
11.16.22
It’s Wednesday. There are 720 days until the presidential election. A traitor gives a low-energy speech, pushing for a big lame duck and a late-night lift-off. 
Be advised: This newsletter is progressive. And profane as fuck.
Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots! How’s this week treating you? Like you just beat back the terrifying specter of orange fascism? Yup, us too. And it’s a weird thing to feel. We’re still a little too skittish to full-on celebrate, but we’re also not waking up in a cold sweat anymore. As far as limbos go, it ain’t bad. And what makes it even sweeter is watching the shit-eating fuckheads on the right try to destroy each other because America likes us more. 

Aaron Blake
The open hostility between Rick Scott's and McConnell's teams is just off the charts.
LOLOL!!! Fight! Fight! Fight! CNN even reported that the two both spoke at the Republican Senate Luncheon yesterday. We caught up with both guys after the meeting and tried to mediate…
TBS: Gentlemen, thanks for taking time away from sucking to join us.
Rick Scott: I suck more.
Mitch McConnell: I suck the most. Lemons, eggs, goat balls. You name it. 
TBS: Are you miserable fucking assholes really competing to see who’s the worst?
RS: No, I’m the worst. Don’t you know about all my Medicare fraud? Or that I’m Trump’s new Lindsey Graham? 
MM: Fucking amateur. I was the chief asshole to our nation’s first Black president, and chief cheerleader to our first fascist one. I’ve been a terrible butthole since you were torturing small animals. .
TBS: What the fuck is wrong with you both? 
RS: I actually am Skeletor from the old He-Man cartoons. 
MM: I was crapped out of a possessed demon tortoise. 
TBS: Ok well keep being awful, and we’ll keep calling you out as the soulless scum you are.
Get your popcorn, SPs. Republicans are in disarray, and your sexy asses made ‘em that way. Woohoo! Winning is fun! More: New York Magazine
Note two: Ok, so we won a lot, but it does still look like we lost the House so get ready for a whole lotta stupid shit from the usual suspects. The American people just spoke, but both Republicans and reporters had their fingers in their ears. More: Huff Post
Note three: Woohoo! LA dumped its Trump! Which is to say the sheriff out there conceded defeat yesterday. Buh-bye. More: KTLA
Note four: The Church of Latter-day Saints has come out in support of the Respect for Marriage Act. We don’t know whether to be skeptical of the bill or confused by the church, so we’re going with both with just a sliver of hope that they really mean it in a good way. More: Associated Press
Note five: Dark Brandon heard about some washed up dingus’s low-energy announcement last night. Dark Brandon was not impressed.
Note six: Also, seriously how fucking hilarious is it that Ivanka publicly distanced herself from her daddy’s campaign last night? He did it to impress her! More: NBC News
Note seven: Some of y’all know Sam is a big Kentucky basketball fan. And while we shall not speak of last night’s loss, we sure as hell do want to take a second to celebrate a former player who is living his truest life. Bravo, Isaac. More: CBS Sports
Note eight: Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen says there’s no basis to investigate Elon Musk. No, we don’t know if she was drunk or completely unaware of who Elon Musk is when she said it but we are enormously confused and disappointed either way. More: CBS News
Note nine: Josh Hawley broke the law. There are apparently no consequences for that. More: KansasCity.com
Note 10: Is it possible they’re learning? Or just getting bored?
Note 11: Facebook says it will no longer fact-check Trump because he’s a candidate now. Way to remind everyone that you’re as big a piece of shit as Elon, Zuck. Fucking asshole. More: CNN
Note 12: Biden is asking Congress for $37 billion for Ukraine and $9 billion for COVID. Let’s go. Let’s get it done. More: Associated Press
Note 13: Kevin McCarthy was reelected Republican leader yesterday, but he was well short of the votes he needs to be Speaker. Will he get them? Who gives a shit that guy fucking blows. More: Washington Post
Note 14: Man Georgia is just living in the news these days. Yesterday a Fulton County judge overturned the state’s six-week abortion ban. Yay! More: CNN
Note 15: You know what was missing from Mar-a-Lago last night aside from good taste? Everything on this long-ass list…
President Biden
We’re delivering historic results for the American people. https://t.co/ApffxTd1Nj
Note 16: Russia waited for the election before retreating from Kherson because they didn’t want the world to see Joe Biden’s great big… resolve. More: CNN
Note 17: We’ve been hoping someone would bring down Ticketmaster since Pearl Jam first started touring. Good luck to the Swifties! More: Huff Post
Note 18: It’s funny watching these miserable rats scurry from their sinking orange ship, but we’ve seen their bullshit before and we know just how desperate they are to kiss some ass. More: Axios
Note 19: Phew. Deep breaths everyone. Yesterday a missile hit Poland killing two people, and we all braced for WWIII. But Poland and the US are saying it looks like an accident and might even have come from Ukraine shooting down a missile. Tense times. More: Associated Press
Note 20: Alrighty, you beautiful SPs, let’s go do some news and then get on with this humping hump day. Y’all are the fucking best, and we’re so goddamn glad you joined us today. Have a blessed one!
LOSER
So the least surprising thing happened last night as Trump announced he’s running again. It was a lame and way too long speech that both CNN and Fox cut away from, and y’all know how much they hate doing that shit. Yeah, he just looks weak and boring and gross and like the motherfucker who attacked our fucking Capitol. Fuck that piece of shit. And fuck his campaign. More: CNN
Let’s do it
It looks like Speaker Pelosi is thinking about one (possibly) last accomplishment as she eyes the lame-duck session. We’re seeing talk of doing something about the debt ceiling and DACA and our response is hell to the yeah let’s fucking go. If we don’t do anything about the debt ceiling, then we’re handing a bunch of nazi assholes a loaded gun to point at the economy. If we don’t do anything for Dreamers, then maybe we’re all assholes. More: Bloomberg
Godspeed, Artemis
Late last night, NASA successfully launched Artemis 1 from Cape Canaveral, laying the groundwork for American astronauts to return to the moon. Oh and the rocket was one we built. The Orion spacecraft, which was on top of the rocket and contains data-collecting mannequins, is supposed to have a mission that lasts about 26 days. It was a fun watch, and yet another reminder this week that America ain’t over just yet. More: CNN
Today’s clips
President Joe Biden said Wednesday that it was “unlikely” that a missile that killed two in NATO-ally Poland was fired from Russia, but pledged support for Poland’s investigation into what it had called a “Russian-made” missile. More: Huff Post
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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