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Today’s Big Stuff 11.15.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
Today’s Big Stuff 11.15.22
It’s Tuesday. There are 721 days until the presidential election. The Senate moves to protect gay marriage, Arizona says no thanks to Big Crazy and it’s getting hot in Georgia.
Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. And on days when Trump announces he’s running for president, it uses it a lot.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How the eff are you? Starting to come off that election hight and desperate for another one? No, we aren’t either. But like the tides of an ocean made of diarrhea, our elections just don’t ever stop. And tonight at his South Florida Orgy and Classified Docs Palace, Trump is expected to make his big announcement.
Well we’ve got an announcement too — Trump can eat shit. And when he’s done eating shit, he can go fuck himself. We’ve beat this asshole before, and we don’t mind beating his orange ass again. Hell, we just got done beating his goat-fucking scumbag political spawn. Trump is a loser. He’ll always be a loser. And we’re not tired of winning. 
Now we’re not so crazy as to stand here screaming bring it on, shithead! But we’re not really sweating it either. It’s a crazy thing to say but we’ve actually started having some faith in this country again. Cautious faith. We still lost the house, and that’s gonna suck. But there were so many great wins. And those Secretary of State offices were a big deal. Maybe we’re reading too much into it but those results sure seem to suggest America wants its democracy and doesn’t look kindly on people who try to fuck with it. Anyway we’re not getting cocky, but we’ve seen you Sexy Patriots in action and we’re happy with our team. So let’s go, dipshit. Make our day.
Note two: If nothing else, try to be happy for the beltway reporters whose daddy is coming back. We know how excited and pathetic they are.
Note three: We’re gonna talk about this in the news section but HAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK KARI LAKE AND HER CRAZY FUCKING FILTER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Note four: Oof. So yesterday we told you about how Pence called Trump’s words on Jan. 6 “reckless.” Well that was from the trailer. The full interview reveals that Pence is still a boot-licking coward who keeps saying the guy who tried to kill him and his family is his bestest friend. The press is trying to make it out like he finally stood up for himself, but that is NOT what the interview showed. More: CNN
Note five: So things are going awesome over on twitter as you can see…
Jason Selvig
The owner of Twitter is hanging out in the comments of murderer Kyle Rittenhouse.
Note six: So we hate to say it, but it looks like we lost the House. It’s ok. We sure fucking tried. And if New York and SCOTUS hadn’t fucked us, we would’ve done the impossible. The good news is Republicans are too fucking stupid to listen to voters, so they’re gonna go ahead with their silly bullshit for the next two years, reminding the American people every day why we rejected their crazy asses.
Note seven: People in LA, the margin for Karen Bass keeps getting bigger, and it looks like you handily beat that Trumpy sheriff. Good work! Not you, Katy Perry. More: LA Times
Note eight: There’s a report this morning that Marjorie Taylor Gross got Steve Scalise to agree to investigate Speaker Pelosi and the treatment of the Jan. 6 terrorists. LOL. Yes, please keep showing the American people what lunatic extremists you are. NO LINK
Note nine: Georgia Republicans are trying to ban early voting on the Saturday before the run-off election because it used to be, and we’re not making this up, Robert E. Lee Day. Sen. Warnock and the DSCC just announced they will be suing over this. More: Capitol Beat
Note 10: We wish we could’ve seen the door hit him on the way out, but we’ve already forgotten his name.
Danielle Battaglia
Furniture moved out of Madison Cawthorn’s office in the Cannon Building. Nameplate is gone. Congress is back in session today. #ncpol #nc11
Note 11: The New York Times has been pushing anti-trans reporting that is gross as fuck even for them. It’s a shit right-wing newspaper, and they’re really not trying to hide it anymore. More: Defector
Note 12: The Trump Organization has signed a deal with Saudi Arabia to build a project in Oman. GOSH THAT IS JUST SO AMERICA FUCKING FIRST! More: NY Times
Note 13: LOLOL. Herschel Walker’s campaign is having to ask Republicans to stop helping him raise campaign money because they’re stealing it all. More: NBC
Note 14: Speaking of Herschel, we assume he’s found some good talking points that won’t draw attention to the millions of abortions he’s paid for and kids he’s abandoned…
The Recount
Georgia Senate candidate Herschel Walker (R) criticizes Sen. Raphael Warnock's (D) parenting:

"He paid himself for childcare, all that stuff — why don't he keep his own kids? Don't have nobody keep your kids. ... I keep my own, even though he lied about me."
Note 15: Prosecutors closed their investigation of Rudy and Ukraine. Don’t tell us no one is above the law. Tell us you’re 10 feet tall and can fly. It’s far more believable. More: ABC
Note 16: Maryland and Missouri legalized weed this week. So they just both got a lot cooler. Although from what we’ve seen out of Missouri lately, it might be too late. More: AP
Note 17: Look who’s at the Capitol today…
Note 18: Did y’all see the new Julia Roberts-Clooney romcom? It feels like blasphemy to say, but it wasn’t great. 
Note 19: Let’s run down a checklist — Have you gotten your flu shot? Gotten your COVID booster? Found a way to help in the Georgia run-off? Somehow gotten sexier? 
Note 20: Wow! You answered yes to all those questions. So on that note, let’s go do some news. Just as a reminder, we’re taking all next week off. We hate to do it, but we have got to recharge. We’ll see you back here tomorrow though. We love y’all, and hope you have an awesome fucking day.
Let’s go!!!
Yesterday Sen. Tammy Baldwin announced that the small group working on a deal to protect same-sex marriage has 60 votes in the Senate. Schumer already announced the first procedural vote for Wednesday. It looks like this is really happening, y’all. We were pretty disappointed when Democrats agreed to hold this until the lame-duck, but they did the right thing and now our fellow Americans are getting their rights protected. That said, we’re still waiting to see the fine print that some of these Republican assholes agreed to.
More: HuffPost
We love you, Az!
If you’ve seen someone crying in soft focus today, it was probably Kari Lake. Yeah, she lost. Because she’s a fucking loser. And a goddamn lunatic. The celebration continues for Democrats and fans of democracy as Lake went down to Katie Hobbs, becoming the latest Trump-humping election denier to bite the dust. Hobbs didn’t just save Arizona from four years of batshit crazy. She saved the rest of the country from a Trump-Lake ticket and two years of breathless beltway bullshit about what a goddamn star Lake is. Thank you, Gov. Hobbs.
More: CNN
Yeah, Fani!
Today Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp is testifying before the Fulton County grand jury. Cassidy Hutchinson will soon do the same. Yep, the election is over and Fani Willis is right back at it. And that’s a good thing because we’re pretty sure Merrick Garland is not a real person who exists. 
More: NBC
Today’s clips
The House select committee investigating last year’s attack on the U.S. Capitol and Donald Trump’s alleged role in it said Monday it’s weighing possible “next steps” in light of the ex-president’s refusal to comply with the proceedings. More: HuffPost
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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