Today’s Big Stuff 11.14.22





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Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
Today’s Big Stuff 11.14.22
It’s Monday. There are 722 days until the presidential election. Pence tries to find his spine, the Republican Party is a mess and HOLY FREAKING CRAP WE WON THE SENATE!!!
Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter. But in a happy way. 
Note: Sexy Patriots!!! How the effing fuck are you, beautiful mofos today? No, we are not drunk. But we are still celebrating like some motherfuckers. WE WON THE SENATE!!! Oh and btW congrats on that whole saving democracy thing!!! It’s straight up pandemonium here at TBS HQ. Sam is wearing daisy dukes, riding a tricycle in circles and singing “We Are the Champions” at the top of his lungs. Adam is handling it all like a normal person. 

Jacob Peters
There are front pages and then there are front pages.
Now that we’ve won the Senate and turned the Red Wave into a pink pee stain, we have to be honest with y’all — We were scared shitless. Yeah y’all remember how we were acting all tough like oh it’ll be a cold day in hell before we tremble before some dumbass like Kari Lake well we were trembling like a goddamn leaf. We were fucking petrified! Democracy was on the ropes and bleeding from its ears! The only reason we were able to sleep at all or keep any solid food down was you.
Yep, you were our secret weapon. And you did it. You believed when they told you not to, you worked when they told you you were losing and you fought back when they told you you couldn’t win. They can go fuck themselves. We’re just so fucking proud of you, SPs. And grateful. Thanks for saving America. Again. Now who’s ready to party? 
Note two: The immediate danger seems to have passed, but we doubt Republicans will learn any meaningful lessons. Thus, the show here at TBS will go on. We’ve developed a taste for Republican tears, and we aim to keep making them. We hope you’ll stay with us.
Note three: We are gonna take a long Turkey Day break and try to recharge and think about anything other than politics, so we’ll be out next week. We hope y’all understand. 
Note four: Trump is planning to announce his run for president tomorrow night. We thought we’d be apprehensive about it, but after his dumb ass just cost Republicans everything again, we’re not really sweating it. Fuck that asshole. More: CNBC
Note five: It was a very good weekend.
regretfully, alise
dems just won the senate in the middle of tiffany trump’s wedding it literally could not have gone better than this
Note six: There was a shooting at UVa and at the University of Idaho last night. Americans are sick and tired of living like this. Republicans better get that way too or we’ll just keep kicking their asses. More: CNN
Note seven: Elon, the world’s richest dumbshit, continues his efforts to destroy twitter by turning it into a right-wing cesspool that you have to pay for. Check Adam’s twitter feed for where you can find us. Or if you want to look at pictures of Sam, you can follow in on Instagram at @samyoungman3. It’s not really that entertaining.
Note eight: The IRS is reporting that Trump wanted the IRS to target his enemies. Yeah, no fucking shit. More: MSNBC
Note nine: Did y’all see all those thoughtful and reflective pieces from major news organizations where they took a long hard look in the mirror to see why they got this election so wrong? We didn’t either.
Note 10: We did a good thing, y’all.
Michael Beschloss
Joe Biden and Democrats have managed to resist the normal pattern of heavy midterm losses for a first-term President without a New Deal (1934), Cuban Missile Crisis (1962) or national solidarity after the 9/11 attack (2002).
Shows the magnitude of this achievement.
Note 11: GEORGIA! GEORGIA! GEORGIA! Are y’all ready to ride again? That’s what we thought. Let’s go! 
Note 12: It’s looking like we might just come up a little short in the House. But given the margin, it ain’t like Republicans should call it a victory. LOL. There are two places to put blame right now — the Supreme Court and the New York Democratic Party. Let’s reform both. 
Note 13: Congrats to former First Lady Michelle Obama who has a new book coming out. And congrats to Melania who has the same book coming out six months from now. More: NPR
Note 14: Y’all want to hear something exciting? President Biden’s granddaughter is getting married at the White House this weekend. Isn’t that romantic? We’re excited. We love weddings. 
Note 15: Election denialism is not a winning issue. Thank goodness.
the election deniers who LOST statewide office this week:

Mark Finchem (AZ)
Jim Marchant (NV)
Doug Mastriano (PA)
Kim Crockett (MN)
Audrey Trujillo (NM)
Paul LePage (ME)
Kristina Karamo (MI)
Dan Cox (MD)
Rayla Campbell (MA)
Plus Lee Zeldin, who voted to not certify 2020.
Note 16: We’re still waiting on the vote count to see if we vanquished desert vampire Kari Lake, but it’s looking promising for Katie Hobbs. Fingers crossed.
Note 18: What Democrats did in state legislatures might be the real story of this year. This is why we’re fucking partying over here. More: 19th News
Note 19: Had y’all forgotten what it feels like to be in this good of a mood? Yeah, us too.
Note 20: And on that note, let’s go do some news! We love you beautiful SPs so fucking much, and we wish we were rich so we could throw a huge Sexy Patriot party and invite you all. Maybe someday. Y’all have a great day!
Mike Pence has a new book out so he’s decided to stand up to the man who tried to kill him and his family. Well sorta. Yeah, Pence is doing the interview rounds, and he’s going so far as to call Trump “reckless.” Gasp! If that motherfucker sent a bunch of deranged assholes with gallows to kill us and our families, reckless is how you would describe our response. Pence thinks he’s gonna be president. Two of his family members and 78 political reporters agree. That means he has a total of 80 supporters.
More: CNN
The Republican Party is now tearing itself apart. Trump is telling everyone to blame Mitch McConnell for the lack of a red wave. It’s pretty obvious that Americans rejected Trumpism, but there’s a lot of money in Trumpism so the Trumpists can’t just say sorry and become normal. So they have to find someone to blame. And they’re going with McConnell. And it’s delicious. Because McConnell is the scum of the earth but he knows how to win races. So go Trump and Rick Scott! We never thought we’d say it, but we’re rooting for you guys.
Party over here!
Yeah, we talked about it in the opening note, but let’s talk about it some more! We won the fucking Senate! We found out over the weekend as both Sen. Kelly and Sen. Catherine Cortez Masto’s races were called. This is so fucking huge. Judges, judges, judges. Celebrate this one, SPs. 
Today’s clips
Pennsylvania state Sen. Doug Mastriano ® conceded to his Democratic opponent for the state’s gubernatorial race Sunday, five days after he was projected to lose by multiple news outlets. More: HuffPost
Rep. Mo Brooks (R-Ala.), a onetime loyalist to Donald Trump who spoke at the Jan. 6 rally that led to the assault on the U.S. Capitol, trashed the former president in a new interview. More: HuffPost
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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