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Today's Big Stuff 10.28.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
10.28.22
Happy Friday. There are 11 effing days until Election Day. Elon is Santa and it’s racist Christmas, CNN’s shame and holy crap Paul Pelosi was attacked in his home!
Be advised: This newsletter cusses every day at about a 10. But when we’re 11 days out from Election Day, we crank it up to 11. 
Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! About to lose your shit yet? Yeah, us neither. We lost it a long time ago. That said, there is no denying how intense this homestretch is. Between Elon’s bullshit and the New York Times buying one of those oversized foam fingers that says “Go Republicans,” it’s enough to make a person go flat out bonkers. 
If you’re feeling a sense of impending doom, it’s for one of two reasons — 1. Doom is totally coming and you’re very perceptive or 2. The media is highly invested in Republican wins so they’re taking a muddled and unclear picture of the landscape and drawing asinine and clearly biased conclusions. Like these two silly fucks can’t even figure out what they’re doing…

Who doesn’t love a good Nate fight? Fight! Fight! Fight! 
Look, the press is a mess. The polls are miserable fucking liars. And nobody knows what’s going to happen except the American people because we’re the ones who get to decide all this shit. So fuck them all. Put on some of those blinders that racehorses wear, and just keep running. We’ve got ours on. The left one is called Kicking and the right one is called Ass. And when we put them on, that’s what we do. So anytime someone wants to tell you how this shit is gonna end, you just tell them fuck you, eat shit, I’ve got my blinders on and a race to run. Y’all have a good one. 
Note two: We’re gonna talk more about Elon (ugh) in the news section, but we want y’all to know that we’re staying on twitter for now. Yes, we expect it to become a nazi incel rodeo of shitposting, but we’re just not the type to walk away from a fight. So fuck them. We’re staying until that dork kicks us off. 
Note three: Have y’all voted yet? Do you have a plan? Is everyone you know really sick of your ass because you keep bugging them about voting? If you answered yes to these, then you have achieved Super Sexy Patriot level. 
Note four: Michigan Republicans are far more terrorists than politicians. Isn’t it weird how our beltway media just kinda ignores that? More: CNN
Note five: Exxon just announced its largest profit ever. Imagine how fucking dumb you have to be to think this is Joe Biden’s fault.
Josh Schwerin
Q3 profits for Exxon: $20 billion

Q3 profits for Chevron: $11 billion

Q3 profits for Shell: $9.5 billion

Republicans who voted to stop oil companies from price gouging: 0
Note six: President Biden is voting early this Saturday up in Delaware. And he’ll be voting with his granddaughter Natalie, who will be voting for the first time. Love that.
Note seven: The head of the RNC is making fun of John Fetterman and Joe Biden for their disabilities. We’d be shocked, but that trashy fucking idiot also changed her goddamn name for Trump so we weren’t expecting much. More: The Hill
Note eight: Yesterday Putin gave a speech appealing to Republicans. He sounded just like Trump except more coherent. And we don’t even speak Russian. NO LINK
Note nine: Lee Zeldin is a piece of shit, and we are hoping like hell that New Yorkers keep him far away from the governor’s mansion. His campaign is also being investigated. More: New York Times
Note 10: This might be our favorite thing that happened yesterday. More:
Alex Mallin
New: Georgia voter Mark Andrews is suing Dinesh D'Souza over his 2000 Mules documentary, alleging it falsely accuses him of illegally depositing ballots into drop boxes. Andrews says video showed him legally dropping off ballots for himself and his family. https://t.co/NddMftjJr8
Note 11: The Jan. 6 committee has gone through the million non-deleted documents the Secret Service sent over and is now ready for testimony from the Trump scum who corrupted an already broken agency. Just in time. More: CBS News
Note 12: Yesterday Joe Biden touted a $100 billion Micron investment that increases our nation’s share of the global memory chip production by 500 percent, and we’re guessing you didn’t see that anywhere in the news. Hell, we got it from the goddamn White House twitter feed. Like we keep saying, the press is a mess. More: Democrat and Chronicle
Note 13: LOLOL. White House chief of staff Ron Klain got a warning for violating the Hatch Act. You know who complained? Stephen fucking Miller. More: USA Today
Note 14: Good news, everybody! The DC Circuit says Trump has to hand over his tax returns. Really?! Do y’all know how many times we’ve written that fucking sentence or something like it? Goddamnit that’s frustrating. More: CNN
Note 15: Well this seems really fucking bad. How insane is it that so many Georgia voters are like sure Trump tried to throw out my vote but he really cares about me so I better send him some more money.
The Washington Post
After Trump called the 2020 election rigged, officials in this rural Ga. county gave his allies access to voting machines https://t.co/PZf3PVj5u7
Note 16: What are the coolest/cutest Halloween costumes you’ve heard about so far? We were gonna go as Lindsey Graham and Donad Trump but we kept fighting over who had to walk around with their head up the other one’s ass. 
Note 17: Yesterday Biden called out Republicans for “hoping for a recession.” He’s right. And if the press wasn’t doing the same, then maybe they’d call it out. More: The Hill
Note 18: We don’t hate Chuck Grassley because of his age. We hate him because he’s a right-wing hypocritical scumbag. It’s time to send him to the home. More: NPR
Note 19: Let’s end on some good news — the inbred shitstain who dragged Officer Michael Fanone into the crowd while screaming “I got one!” was sentenced to seven-and-a-half years in prison yesterday. Guess the prison got one too. Enjoy the clink, asshole. More: CNN
Note 20: Ok, you beautiful gorgeous lovers of democracy, let’s go do some news. We know shit is crazy intense and then crazy again right now, but is it really any crazier than a gameshow host president and a once-in-a-century pandemic? Y’all eat crazy for breakfast at this point. So hang in there, keep kicking ass and let’s meet back here on Monday. We love y’all. 
Here we go
So Elon took over twitter last night and immediately fired the executives, including the person who made the decision to ban Trump after he attacked the Capitol and got some cops killed. He has already lifted the suspension on neo-nazi rapper Kanye West’s account, and use of the n-word was up 500 percent compared to the previous 12 hours, according to something called the Network Contagion Research Institute. Elon is an insecure nazi dork. Let’s make him regret buying that shit. More: Washington Post
Fuck CNN
Media Matters did the math and the pathetic scrubs at CNN spent more fucking time on Trump’s goddamn plane than they did on the Republican threat to use the debt ceiling to tank social security and medicare. So they’re like Fox News now, but less successful. What an absolute fucking joke of a news network. More: Media Matters
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Ok so this is the biggest and most disturbing news of the day (so far). Paul Pelosi, Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s husband, was attacked with a hammer during a break-in of their San Francisco home. There are reports now that the home was selected on purpose. This is pretty much all we know right now. Biden and Schumer have sent messages of support, and Republicans are probably high-fiving and coming up with bullshit conspiracy theories for why it’s fine to attack an old man in his home. Get well, Mr. Pelosi. More: CNN
Today’s clips
The Georgia prosecutor investigating possible illegal election interference in the 2020 election said Thursday that the Supreme Court should not stand in the way of U.S. Sen. Lindsey Graham’s testimony to a grand jury. More: Huff Post
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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