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Today's Big Stuff 10.27.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
It’s Thursday. There are 12 fucking days until Election Day. Elon promises he won’t be all Elony, Herschel Walker won a Heisman for abortions and the Biden economy keeps growing. 
Be advised: This newsletter cusses. But it smells like a bed of goddamn roses.
Note: Sexy Patriots! We’re so sorry to be tardy today. We had some technical difficulties that had nothing to do with Elon Musk but we’re blaming them on his weird punk ass anyway. We sure as hell don’t want to leave y’all hanging just as everything is really about to go to shit. 
We’re kidding! We got this, y’all! No matter what losses we take, no matter how stupid shit gets, we will be here fighting and cussing like some deranged democracy-loving motherfuckers. But there is something we kinda have to ask and we’re hoping you can help us out here — WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKING COUNTRY?!!!
Seriously. Two years ago, the country as hemorrhaging jobs, more than a thousand Americans were dying a day while an orange gameshow host golfed and told everyone to drink bleach and oh yeah REPUBLICANS LAUNCHED A VIOLENT ATTACK ON OUR GODDAMN CAPITOL. That was two years ago. Two fucking years. And now we’re thinking about putting those same assholes back in charge?! 
How can a country that dumb possibly survive? It’s like a breed of animal that likes the taste of electrical sockets. Oh well, America has never had a shortage of dumbfucks. We’ve beat them before. We’ll beat them again. But it sure does make our fucking heads want to explode. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: The press keeps talking about gas prices like they’re not going down. What good is a press corps that works for Kevin McCarthy? More:
Note three: Lindsey Graham has a message for Democratic voters. Who wants to join us in making this little shit eat these words in about 12 days? More:

Graham: I want every liberal to be miserable come election night.
Note four: Kyrsten Sinema put out a statement to HuffPost that she’s backing Katie Hobbs. Gee thanks, you selfish trash. More: Huff Post
Note five: President Obama cut an ad for Pennsylvania. Keystone State people, we need y’all. More: Axios
Note six: Republicans are coming for gay marriage. They’re not even hiding it anymore. Yet the press still pretends not to see it. More: Post and Courier
Note seven: Ugh. These dumbshits in Nevada are trying to do a fucking hand count. It’s only an issue because they can’t count. Or read. Or apparently bathe themselves. More: Associated Press
Note eight: Shell oil company made about $10 billion in profits last quarter. In the same quarter of 2021, they made about $5 billion. But yeah, let’s blame inflation on Biden like a bunch of fucking idiots. More: New York Times
Note nine: This story is messed up. Remember when Marco Rubio said his campaign canvasser who turned out to be a nazi was assaulted for being a Republican? Well he didn’t tell the cops that until after Marco tweeted it. Liddle fucking liar. More: Miami Herald
Note 10: Someone hacked the New York Post with a bunch of racist sexist scummy headlines. The fucked up part is nobody noticed until the Post said something. More: NBC News
Note 11: Yesterday John Fetterman received the endorsement of the Pennsylvania Professional Fire Fighters Association and announced that he had raised more than $2 million since the debate. Oz just stayed a dick.
Fetterman: Doing that debate wasn't exactly easy. Knew it wasn't going to be easy after having a stroke after five months. You know, after that stroke, I got knocked down, but I got back up.
Note 12: Fox News said they would have a debate between Mike Lee and Evan McMullin. Lee pissed his pants and said no thanks. More: Salt Lake Tribune
Note 13: Former Republican Rep. Dave Hobson endorsed JD Vance. Guess JD should’ve kissed his ass a little harder. More:
Note 14: CNN is about to lay off a lot of people. But only so they can give us really shitty both-sides news. More: CNN
Note 15: Alrighty, you gorgeous SPs, let’s get to the news. Given our technical difficulties this morning, we had to cut a few notes, but we’ll try to make up for it tomorrow. Hang in there, y’all. This country is filled with some real dumbasses, so today we’re being thankful for the sexy patriotic ones. Love y’all!
So Elon buying twitter is real and almost done. He showed up at HQ yesterday. He’s a scumbag piece of shit, but don’t worry because he promised in a tweet today to not be a scumbag piece of shit. Actually what he said he is he won’t allow twitter to become a free-for-all hellscape. Yeah, he said he’s doing this because he loves humanity. Unfortunately for all of us, he’s a fucking liar. More: Wall Street Journal
Herschel, Herschel, Herschel
That dude seems to have had a lot of abortions. Another woman came forward yesterday to say that Herchel pressured her into having an abortion. She had voice mails and notes. She is a Trump voter. Lindsey Graham, who is apparently pulling Herschel’s strings, joined Herschel to call the woman a liar. These are some truly sick sick fucks. More: NPR
Let’s go, Brandon
The GDP grew 2.6 percent last quarter, and that means the economy is growing. That means we’re not in a recession. It means Democrats are way fucking better for the economy. And because it means all those things, the press has shown very little interest in talking about it. But don’t worry, Republicans are promising to shove the economy off a cliff so they can hurt Joe Biden. More: CNBC
Today’s clips
Kanye West’s music can stay on streaming giant Spotify despite the rap star’s “just awful” antisemitic statements, CEO Daniel Ek said. More: Huff Post
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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