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Today's Big Stuff 10.26.22

Today's Big Stuff by Adam Parkhomenko & Sam Youngman
It’s Wednesday. There are 13 days until Election Day. “Dr.” Oz wants to ban abortion and elect Trump, Georgia is turning the eff out and Alito gets his feelings hurt, which is weird because he doesn’t seem to have a soul.
Be advised: This newsletter cusses about politicians so you don’t have to. But you still should because a lot of them are real shitheads.
Note: Sexy Patriots! The good news is the week is half over. The bad news is so is democracy. We’re kidding. Kinda. So it’s time for a Sexy Patriot huddle. Bring it in.
Ok, sexy team. We’ve got 13 days to go, and the other side and their friends in the press are throwing everything they’ve got at us. The New York Times is ready to call every race already, and we heard Politico Playbook was helping Mitch McConnell install a turtle door in the majority leader’s office. 
But here’s the thing — we’ve been here before. We have gone up against the forces of Trumpism, and we have won. We know we can do this. And we know we have to. 
From the moment that orange piece of shit flushed himself down that cursed fucking escalator, there have been two ironclad never-changing truths — First, that guy sucks. Like really really really really fucking sucks. And two, nobody is coming to save us except us. ‘Twas ever thus and ever thus will be. 
So for the next 13 days, fuck the press. Fuck the Republican attacks. And for the love of all things holy and sexy fuck the goddamn polls. We’re gonna win the way we always have — by putting in the work and telling people who we are and exactly what the fuck we’re up against. We will save our country yet again because that is what we are charged to do. And we will do it with every odd stacked against us. It’s only gonna make that shit sweeter. So game faces, y’all. We got this. And everybody else can eat doodie. Go team!
Note two: Fwiw, Fetterman kicked ass last night. It’s not often you see that kind of bravery from a politician. And the man delivered some quality burns.

Fetterman: He keeps talking about Bernie Sanders. Three years ago, he was on his show and he said I love this guy. Why don’t you pretend you live in Vermont instead of Pennsylvania and run against Bernie Sanders.
Note three: DOJ is getting closer to Trump. Yeah, it’s looking like 75 years from now, he’s gonna be in real trouble. More: CNN
Note four: Brace yourself — Elon is saying he will close on Twitter by Friday. We’re not endorsing any alternative sites for now, but if for whatever reason you can’t find us on there anymore, you can always find us on We’ve always thought of this as an underground newsletter anyway. If that’s where we gotta go, so be it. More: Reuters
Note five: Over in New York, Gov. Kathy Hochul was mopping the floor with Trump trash Lee Zeldin. Take nothing for granted, New Yorkers.
Kathy Hochul
Lee Zeldin is STILL doubting the legitimacy of the 2020 election. That tells you all you need to know about his commitment to democracy. #NYGovDebate
Note six: Wanna hear a really crazy ass story about the movie Grease? Of course you do. More: Hollywood Reporter
Note seven: Morning Joe is a piece of shit. You know it. We know it. 
Note eight: Did y’all see that super creepy video of Blake Masters talking to Trump on the phone? How can these dudes be so fucking pathetic yet so scary at the same time? More: Independent
Note nine: Hey Minnesota, you gonna elect some nut that Trump endorsed? We didn’t think so. It’s one of many reasons we love you. More: Axios
Note 10: You know who else wrecked a Republican on a debate stage last night? Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer, that’s who. Though to be fair her opponent is dumber than dog shit. 
Gretchen Whitmer
Ask yourself, who's going to keep your kids safe. The former prosecutor with plans? Or the candidate with thoughts and prayers? #MIpol #MIgov
Note 11: There’s a hearing in Arizona today over whether a bunch of armed assholes can intimidate people trying to vote. This should be easy, but John Roberts took a wrecking ball to the voting rights act and the judge is a Trump pick so who the fuck knows. More:
Note 12: Remember when all those brave students protested at the University of Florida because they don’t want homophobic asshole Ben Sasse for a school president? Well instead of listening to the students, the school is going to ban indoor protests. We told our Gator SPs we wouldn’t hate on them anymore. We’re now asking for an exception. Because this is some fucking bullshit. More: Associated Press
Note 13: Hope Hicks testified in front of the Jan. 6 committee. It’s amazing how many of these scumbags we just plumb forgot existed. More: CNN
Note 14: President Biden and President Obama are both hitting the campaign trail in Pennsylvania. Republicans are probably bringing in the ghost of John Waynce Gacy or some shit. More: Axios
Note 15: Wishing a very happy birthday to Secretary Hillary Clinton. We don’t really have the non-cussing words to say what she means to us, so we’ll just say fuck everyone who didn’t listen to her because now everything is a goddamn motherfucking mess and she called damn near every last fucking bit of it like she’s the fucking Simpsons or something. Happy birthday! 
Hillary Clinton
My message for @indivisibleteam, and everyone else:

We can't save our democracy with action only on the big-time, big-name races.

We have to save democracy at the state level, too. Join us.
Note 16: In New Zealand, the majority of the legislature is women. It might be the smartest country in the world. More: NPR
Note 17: So y’all excited for Halloween? (Ducks)
Note 18: Oh btw, John Fetterman has raised more than $1 million since last night because the American people are good and decent and know what’s on the line and reporters are ghouls. 
Note 19: We usually save this for Fridays when it’s been a shit news week, but it feels like this week has lasted a month so we’re breaking the glass. Sexy Patriots, the Peanuts gang dances to Outkast. More: YouTube
Note 20: And on that delightful note, let’s go do some news and then hump through the rest of this hump day. Hang in there, you beautiful mofos. Believe we will win, work to make it happen and everyone else can eat shit. Have a blessed day. 
Quiet part
So while the focus regrettably was on John Fetterman’s health, the real news was “Dr.” Oz refusing to say if he would vote for a national abortion ban and then saying — we still can’t believe this shit — that women’s health decisions should be between a woman, her doctor AND HER LOCAL POLITICAL LEADERS. Are you fucking kidding us?! It’s an all-time fuck up in a sane world, but unfortunately we waved goodbye to that decent place a while back. Oz also said he’ll support Trump. And he was just a dick in general. Vote Fetterman, Pa. We need you. More: Business Insider
Hell yeah!
So early voting has been going on in some states for a little bit now and holy shit is Georgia turning the hell out. As of yesterday, more than 1 million Georgians had already voted. That is fucking beautiful. Of course we don’t know who the hell they’re voting for, but we still love to see democracy in action. You know, until a bunch of creeps try to fuck it up. Thanks to everyone in the Peach State for busting their asses and turning out to make their voices heard. More: Washington Post
Fuck this dude
Sam Alito, whose parents probably met at an orgy in a rats’ nest, gave a totally nonpolitical speech to the fucking Heritage Foundation last night. Yes, it’s so goddamn rotten it makes us want to puke. Alito, who you might remember from stripping millions of Americans of their basic human rights, continued his tour of whining about people calling out the Supreme Court for being obviously corrupt and broken. Obviously we don’t want anyone threatening the Justices. Just like we don’t anyone threatening poll workers. But we’re not gonna stop calling this bullshit out. Not now. Not ever. Sorry, Sammy. We’re gonna keep calling your shit out because you are just the goddamn worst. More: Axios
Today’s clips
President Joe Biden received the updated COVID-19 vaccine live on television Tuesday, urging Americans to protect themselves against the virus ahead of the anticipated winter surge but stopping short of encouraging mask-wearing. More: Huff Post
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Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman
Adam Parkhomenko and Sam Youngman

The way the news should sound when the whole fucking world is on fire.

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