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Maarten Prinsen - issue #3

When I think about all the great cartoon characters I loved back in the day, one thing's very clear t

Maarten Prinsen

June 6 · Issue #3 · View online
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When I think about all the great cartoon characters I loved back in the day, one thing’s very clear to me..
I always rooted for the bad guys. They looked the coolest and I can imagine how depressing it must be to always see your plans fail. Although I knew they’d never win, they were the ones that intrigued me. Therefore, I want to use this issue as a tribute to some of the baddest mofo’s that’ve ever appeared on your tv-screen. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, without further ado, I present to you, in no particular order…

Cobra Commander
Wearing a blue robe, probably a KKK-reject found at a thrift store, Cobra Commander (he prefers “CC”) was a born leader.
Whenever my friends and I pretended to be G.I. Joe, I wanted to be CC.
This was mainly because of his attitude. Stern but fair.
You could tell he was the kind of guy who’d let you polish the toilet with your toothbrush if your shoelaces weren’t tied properly according to Cobra’s policy.
His drunken Elvis impression at the annual Christmas party on the other hand…
No wonder the Baroness developed a crush on him that can only be compared to the feelings Screech had for Lisa Turtle..
Next in line is my favorite blue skeleton of all time, the Michael Jordan of 2D-villains, the ruler of Snake Mountain: Skeletor!
For anyone that’s not familiar with this bad boy, Skeletor looks like Smurfette and the Grim Reaper had a kid and painted his face yellow.
Of course he was bullied during his childhood, so he decided to get ripped.
And of course he tried to become the ruler of Eternia.
The only problem he had, was the fact that He-Man and his posse were always around to foil his plans.
I always admired his perseverance and the countless plans he came up with to reach his goals.
Needless to say, my Skeletor action figure was always part of the winning team in the epic battles that took place in my bedroom..
For our next villain, I’d like to take you back to the dark alleyways of 1980s New York. Wearing a purple cape, spiked shoulder pads and a facemask (for fashion-related and safety reasons), Shredder was the king of cool.
Too bad he always lost his battles against four mutated turtles that lived in the sewer and had an obsession with bizarre pizza toppings.
However, Shredder was someone you respected.
When he came home from work, he always put his dirty boots on the coffee table. There wasn’t a single foot soldier that had the guts to tell him to stop it.
Shredder only listened to one boss; crimelord Krang, a blob of pink brains with an appetite for destruction.
I always hoped Shredder would kick the $#*% out of that dictator, but I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. I heard he’s working in a pet store these days; I wonder if the pet turtles are being treated correctly…
Dr. Claw
Of course we all know the whimsical Inspector Gadget, who could extend his legs, turn his hat into a helicopter and do other things with his body that could catapult him into porn fame immediately.
But, Gadget chose a different path. Together with Penny, Brain and Chief Quimby he saved the day on many occasions and turned the world into a safer place for our kids to grow up in.
However, there’s one big “but” and I don’t mean one that’d arouse Sir Mix-a-Lot.
That but is Dr. Claw. How can you not like a guy that’s never seen, except for his mechanical arm?
I’d give up my left arm for a mechanical one if that meant I could pet a fat cat all day long.
Dr. Claw always lost against Gadget and his team, but he never stopped trying to make his devious plans work.
“I’ll get you next time, Gadget! NEXT TIME!!!”
Jack W. Tweeg
During the 80’s, a stuffed Teddy Ruxpin was the holy grail for a lot of kids. You inserted a cassette tape (for anyone under 20 years old: a rectangular piece of plastic that magically contained music) and Teddy began to tell stories.
This toy became so popular, they even produced a cartoon series.
One of the best ever if you ask me.
In said series, Teddy travels in a giant hot air balloon, along with his friends, Grubby and Newton Gimmick in search of the Treasure of Grundo.
As you’ve probably guessed by now, there was a bad guy with his eyes on the same prize.
Jack W. Tweeg was his name. Usually he was just being called Tweeg.
A green lizard-like Grunge (look it up!) that would be lost without his sidekick, LB.
Shooting cannonballs makes a bad guy a bad guy. But when you are shooting cannonballs that are inscribed “Return to Tweeg”, you’re playing on a completely different level.
Hats off to you Tweeg!
Too bad you never won your mother’s respect..
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